Uncategorized | my fake food blog

Sep 23 2013

The Grossest Food Typo: Mom’s Meatload, err, Meatloaf

I’m going to say something that is going to make me WILDLY unpopular, but, I’m a huge racist…

…wait for it…

…against the autumn.

(Ew. Not a REAL racist, you jerks.)

I hate fall. I don’t swoon over pumpkin spice. I like when the leaves change because it’s pretty, but then the trees are naked. For like, a really long time. And don’t even get me started on the cold.

Ok, fuck it. I got started on the cold. I’m from Florida. I went to an outdoor high school. And during the fall and winter, I wore a heavy down coat to get from class to class. And I’m pretty sure it got to 50 at the lowest. Is it ridiculous? Yeah. And do I hate it? YES.

I hate sweaters. Because sweaters make you sweat. (It’s IN the NAME.) And because I’m basically Madame Maxine, sleeves don’t fit me. Every sweater is basically 2-8 inches too short.

So, yeah. I prefer the summer.

One of my besties, Alison, is the official ambassador for autumn. She’s trying to convince me to love it. She’s doing a pretty good job so far because she dropped off a lovely jar of hot cocoa on my porch on Thursday morning JUST BECAUSE. That made me like fall (and her) just a little bit more.

If truth be told, the one thing I’m excited about from an autumnal perspective is the food. Cause, duh. Fall is is the time for soup and comfort food. Which is why I made decided to make Alex Guarnaschelli’s Mom’s Meatloaf.

My mom has always made good meatloaf. For me, meatloaf always comes with velvety, buttery mashed potatoes and crisp, salty green beans. That’s how I always had it growing up. It’s like a hug from the past.

….Which is why it was a huge disappointment when I made soupy mashed potatoes and corn. THAT is like someone reminding you that your favorite dog died on your 8th birthday. (Oh, Chi Chi!)

But hey, at least the meatloaf was good. Actually, it was great. A comforting reminder of home and family and warmth and….the seasons…and oh shit….maybe I do like fall after all.

I BLAME ALISON.

—

Mom’s Meatloaf from Old School Comfort Food

Ingredients

2 teaspoons canola oil, plus more if needed
2 small yellow onions, minced (about 1 cup)
2 garlic cloves, minced
Kosher sald
1 pound ground beef, preferably 8 ounces ground sirloin and 8 ounces ground chuck
¾ pound ground pork, preferably shoulder
1 teaspoon hot paprika
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 cup plus 2 teaspoons plain dried bread crumbs, plus more if needed
2/3 cup ketchup, plus more for brushing, preferably Heinz
1 cup sour cream
1 medium bunch curly parsley, leaves chopped (1/4 cup)
1 medium bunch fresh tarragon, leaves chopped (2 tablespoons)
3 large eggs, lightly beaten, plus another as needed

Preheat the oven to 400. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. If you are like me, you will use aluminum foil and you will have your meatloaf stick. If you use aluminum foil, spray your foil with cooking spray, people.

Make the meatloaf mix. In a medium skillet, heat the canola oil over medium heat. Add the onions and garlic, season with salt, and cook, stirring from time to time, until translucent, 3 to 5 minutes. Scrape into a bowl and set aside to cool. Reserve the pan; do not wipe it out.

Put the beef and pork in a large bowl and gently knead them together with your hands. Spread the meat out on the bottom and the sides of the bowl and season with 2 teaspoons salt. Add the paprika, the pepper, bread crumbs, ketchup, sour cream, parsley, tarragon, the onion mixture, and 3 of the eggs. Mix to blend.

Taste test. Heat the skillet over medium heat; if there isn’t a sufficient layer of fat left in the pan, add a little more oil. When the pan is hot, lower the heat and add a small piece of the meatloaf mixture. Cook until cooked through, 1 to 2 minutes per side. Remove from the pan and taste. If too moist, add more bread crumbs. If too dry, add another egg.

Mold the meat mixture [ew] into the shape of a rectangular loaf pan, roughly 9 x 5 inches, and place it on the parchment-lined baking sheet. The meat will feel slightly wet. It should form into a ball but still stick to your hands slightly. Bake for 15 minutes.

Ewww.

Brush the meatloaf with additional ketchup and lower the oven temperature to 350. Bake until meat is firm when touched or when it has an internal temperature of 150, 30 to 35 minutes more. Remove from oven, pour off any excess grease, and allow the meatloaf to rest for 10 to 15 minutes before slicing and serving. Brush again with ketchup, if desired.

Great Meatloaf, Mediocre Everything Else

Tagged Alex Guarnaschelli, Comfort Food, Fake Racism, Florida, Hugs, Madame Maxime, Meatload, Meatloaf, Sweaters

Aug 28 2013

2 Comments

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I wasn’t ignoring you, I swear: My New Food Obsession

I haven’t blogged in over two weeks. Making me the worst real blogger ever, but still a PRETTY SOLID fake food blogger.

What have I been doing? Working. Eating. Thinking about food. Not really cooking it too much, though.

What have I not been doing? Blogging. Duh.

I’ve had a couple of amazing food days in the past two weeks. In New York City last week, I ate a phenomenal lobster salad for lunch at a bistro called Artisanal and the very same day had lobster and crab spicy spaghetti for dinner at a neighborhood Italian place called Novita. Lobster two-a-days? Don’t mind if I do. #fatdontstop

And I’ve had some less than amazing food days. Two nights ago, I got a chicken souvlaki from Hero House with a side of fries….and a side of chicken fingers. Good? Yeah. Gross? YEAH.

But the coolest food discovery of the last few weeks has been a reintroduction to an old friend. A nerd god among men. A clotheshorse. A good looking enough guy, sure, but his brain makes him one of the sexiest men on the planet.

I’m talking about Alton Brown, people.

He looks a bit of a Grouch there, really.

Alton Brown is excellent. And his podcast, The Alton Browncast, is excellent. Why, you ask?

First off, he’s a food authority. He not only knows how to make food delicious, but he understands the science of the food. Why it tastes the way it does. What happens when you add this ingredient to that. Why you cook it this way. He gets the chemistry of it all. And he presented it to us for years in his phenomenally entertaining show Good Eats. Who knew Food Science + Cooking + Nerdy Glasses Guy could be so fun to watch? (Bonus: Alton was a Theatre major at the University of Georgia. So, of COURSE he made it fun. Also, I was a Theatre major. So, of COURSE I love him.) And the other thing about him, after listening to his podcast, he’s a regular guy with interests beyond cooking. So that makes him a terrific interviewer. He can talk about race horses with Bobby Flay. He can talk about daughters with Hugh Acheson. He can talk about Atlanta with Keith Schroder. And, by the way, he can–and does–talk flavors with all of them. Are you a Doctor Who fan? So is he. He even created a recipe for fish fingers and custard.

Do yourself a favor. Listen to this podcast. It’s a little less than an hour. You’ll learn something new. Every podcast, there is a food of the day and he answers questions from listeners. You’ll laugh. He’s opinionated. He’s cheeky. He loves a game. He said he’s doing his new culinary game show Cutthroat Kitchen because it is primarily fun.

But most of all, this podcast is available to you for the low, low price of absolutely nothing. That’s right, folks. The absolutely low price of 0 dollars. You can’t beat that.

Don’t delay. Download the podcast player on your phone (if you didn’t have it already like me…) and download his old podcasts. You could do it in order. But I started with Alex Guarnaschelli’s and it was charming.

Or hell, listen for free online on The Nerdist.

Say yes to food. Say yes to science. Say yes to glasses. Say yes to fezzes.

Fezzes?

Yeah. Fezzes are cool.

I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.

Tagged Alex Guarnaschelli, Alton Brown, Atlanta, Bobby Flay, Cutthroat Kitchen, Doctor Who, Fezzes, fish fingers and custard, food science, Hugh Acheson, Keith Schroder, lobster two-a-days, The Alton Browncast, The Nerdist, theatre major

Aug 11 2013

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Summer Salad for the Almost End of Summer: Almost No Cook Black Bean Salad

Y’all. It’s August.

August.

…I hate to say this to you guys…but summer is almost over.

Lady Mary Shushes You

Ok, I get it, Lady Mary. You are cold and hard but you are also capable of love but most of all you DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT SUMMER ENDING.

So, let’s talk about things I need to do before summer ends:

Go to the pool at least once
Use my grill at least once
See one of the outdoor movies at the Reynolda House
Eat all the tomatoes before they leave me and I’m as sad as Lady Edith when she’s been jilted by Sir Anthony Stralan
“I’m so sad about being jilted. And also the tomatoes.”
And make this black bean salad again

Let me tell you what. This is an almost no cook salad. And it’s full of fresh veggies and packed with citrus-y zing (yes, I did type that).

I don’t mean to brag here. But I took this to a potluck and someone else had brought a black bean salad too. My friend who threw the potluck said that my salad was full of much more flavor than the other salad.

In a black bean salad walk off, this salad will always win, Billy Zane.

—

Almost No-Cook Black Bean Salad, adapted from PopSugar Food

Ingredients

1 lime, zested and juiced
1 small orange, zested and juiced
1 green bell pepper, stem and seeds removed, small diced
1 jalapeño, stem, ribs, and seeds removed, small diced
1 fresh corn, grilled, shucked and cut off cob | I grilled the corn because a friend of mine told me that raw corn is rough on your digestive system. (YIKES) Grilling it kept the integrity of the kernels by not making them mushy.
1-2 watermelon radishes, peeled and small diced | I used boring regular radishes.
1/2 red onion, small diced
1-2 garlic cloves, minced
1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar
Salt, to taste

In a large bowl, combine all ingredients, tossing to coat well. Season with salt to taste. It’s that easy.

Black Bean Salad

Tagged Anthony Stralan, Billy Zane, Black Beans, Downton Abbey, Edith with Googley Eyes, Lady Edith, Lady Mary, PopSugar, Reynolda House, Salad, Summer, Walk Off, Zoolander

Aug 01 2013

2 Comments

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In West Philadelphia, Born and Raised: Weight Watchers Philly Cheesesteaks & Baked Sweet Potato Chips

I’m gonna be bold here and say that I don’t approve of diets.

Because in my observation, diets don’t work and you wind up eating all of the fried chicken. See this hilariously well-written example of a normal person trying to follow Madonna’s macrobiotic diet from NYMag’s The Cut.

Let me say: I do not diet. The second I tell myself that I cannot have pork products, all I want are pork products.

Fuck. Bacon DOES sound good right now…

So, I say, diets don’t work. But lifestyle changes DO work when you’re trying to lose weight.

This is my friend Evan. (You may remember him from previous blog posts.) He has been doing Weight Watchers since the first of the year. And he has lost 30 pounds. WHAT?! That’s amazing. And, bonus, he still enjoys the occasional chicken finger sub cause he’s from Buffalo and people from Buffalo love Buffalo more than anything ever. I’m pretty sure the flag of Buffalo has a chicken finger sub on it.

Evan brought me some onions and peppers that his girlfriend, Lauren, cut up before going out of town for two weeks. So, I says to him, “let’s make Philly cheesesteaks!”

Ev found a Weight Watchers Philly cheesesteak recipe that we decided to use. But I had to confer with my best friend in life and food, Ally, who is from Philly. Who I had Philly cheesesteaks with IN Philly. Because this recipe called for cheddar cheese. and I had a hunch that was total BS.

Me: Does a true Philly cheesesteak have cheese whiz or provolone or does it depend on the place you go?

Ally: Provolone or American or whiz. I personally avoid the whiz.

Also, I like calling Cheese Whiz “the whiz” like it’s some really horrible STD.

Guy 1: Man, I got the whiz.

Guy 2: Oh, damn. We all been there, though. I got it in WW2.

What? How old is Guy 2? Anyways. Back to the premise of this “blog”: horrible jokes mistakes cooking.

What did I think about the Weight Watchers Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Look. We’re talking about a substitute here. It was missing some of the juiciness that you get with a Philly cheesesteak. You know, from the juice that has all the fat in it. They were just a touch dry. I almost put mayo on it, which would’ve made it more of a steak sandwich and less of a Philly cheesesteak. But the flavor of the meat and veggies were good. The bun was toasty. The cheese was lovely and melty. (I went with a low-fat provolone since I, too, wish to avoid the whiz.) And when you’re thinking that this is a substitute for a full fat version? Well, it’s really not too shabby. Total Weight Watchers points for this recipe: 7 points per sandwich.

Here is Evan, cooking the vegetables. He’s sad cause he didn’t actually want me to take this picture at all.

Sad Evan

Here is Evan, cooking the meat. He’s happy cause meat is the best!!!

HAPPY EVAN

The real star of this dish was the side that we made. Baked sweet potato chips for 2 points per serving. Get a large sweet potato, peel it, slice it rull thin (1/8 of an inch to be precise—get your mandolin out), brush with oil, sprinkle with salt, and bake it in the oven. As per usual, I burned the first batch. But, the sweet potato yielded a zillion sweet potato chips. So there were plenty left over. I must say, I completely upped the amount of salt that I used in this recipe by like a million salts. I salted them to taste. Even the burnt ones tasted really good.

Follow it up with a Philadelphia themed movie. We went with Trading Places. Because an Eddie Murphy movie is a part of every balanced diet.

Laughter is 0 points, y’all.

Philly cheesesteaks, bakes sweet potato chips and Evan's thumb holding up the plate to give me better lighting.

Philly cheesesteaks, baked sweet potato chips and Evan’s thumb holding up the plate to give me better lighting.

—

Philly Cheese Steaks, adapted from Weight Watchers

Ingredients

1-2 spray olive oil cooking spray
1 medium uncooked onion, thinly sliced
1 green pepper, thinly sliced
1 pound uncooked lean flank steak, cut against the grain in paper thin slices | Cut against the grain to eliminate chewiness.
2 ½ tsp Worcestershire sauce
¼ tsp table salt
½ tsp black pepper
4 rolls(s) reduced calorie hot dog buns | These are tough to find. After going to two gro’ sto’s, we found these at a Walmart. Walmart brand buns, in fact.
¼ cup reduced fat provolone cheese

Preheat oven to 350°F.

Coat a large nonstick skillet with cooking spray; set pan over medium-high heat. When pan is hot, add onion and sauté until tender and golden brown, about 10 minutes. Remove onion from pan; set aside.

Add steak to skillet and sauté until browned and cooked through, about 1 to 2 minutes per side. Add Worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper; cook until liquid is absorbed.

Divide steak evenly between buns and top with onion and cheese. Wrap in foil, transfer to oven and bake until cheese melts, about 5 to 7 minutes. Yields 1 sandwich per serving.

—

Baked Sweet Potato Chips, adapted from Weight Watchers

Ingredients:

1 large uncooked sweet potato, peeled
2 tsp vegetable oil
1/8 tsp table salt, or to taste | I used kosher salt.

Preheat oven to 400ºF. Spray 2 baking sheets with cooking spray.

Thinly slice potatoes in a food processor or by hand; they should be no more than 1/8-inch thick.

Arrange slices on baking sheets so they don’t overlap. Brush with oil and sprinkle with salt. Bake chips until they begin to lightly brown. For super thin mandolined chips, check after 7-8 minutes. Cool on a rack and serve.

Burn them. IF YOU DARE.

One sweet potato yielded 4 baking trays of chips. And I didn’t even use the whole thing. WHO KNEW!

Jul 25 2013

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Oohhhh, Brexico: Baked Ranchero Eggs with Blistered Jack Cheese Brunch

It’s been an interesting couple of weeks, culinarily. A few ups and downs.

Ok. Mostly a lot of ups and one major down.

It’d be like the world’s weirdest roller coaster.

I shall list the ups and downs in a list. Real badasses use lists, y’all.

Up: going to wd-50 in New York. Wylie Dufresne was THERE. And while I did not speak to him in actuality, in my mind, he complimented me for my hilarious, hilarious jokes. And we laughed and laughed. Back in the real world, the meal was outrageously good. Highlights include the pig tail with artichoke, olive oil jam and hazelnut; the walleye pike, celery, macadamia and grapefruit; the rabbit (!!!!!!wrapped in fried chicken skin!!!!!!!), spring onion, hibiscus, thai basil nori; and the popcorn vacherin with strawberry, kaffir lime and watermelon.

I don’t remember this course, but it replaced the scallops. And it was beautiful.

Rabbit with fried chicken skin. Stupid good.

Popcorn Vacherin. So unique.

Down: coming back from New York, and going to put groceries away in the cabinets and finding eighty million ants. Which allowed me to channel my inner Zoolander and remark “What is this, a KITCHEN for ANTS?” (Note: I only made that remark after I got through the horror of finding, murdering, and Lysoling the ant murder site.) I seem to have remedied the problem with Ant Shield and a lot of ant killing. And I’m incredibly OCD and everything that could be ant-attractable is now in a Ziploc bag. So, don’t judge me, Judge Reinhold. Cause to paraphrase my friend Jesus: let he who is without bugs spray the first Raid.

Up: going to Whole Foods Winston-Salem and stumbling on local vendor sampling day when I was RULL hungry. I had Roots hummus from Asheville (the Thai Coconut Curry is so unexpected. Sweet hummus…delicious), Peggy Rose’s hot pepper jelly from Wake Forest, NC, and my most favorite discovery: super local pimento cheese. If you’ve never had pimento cheese, it is a true southern delicacy packed as full of calories as it is with cheese. It’s made of cheese (duh), pimentos (duh again), mayonnaise, and salt and pepper. But the folks at Red Clay Gourmet, made right here in Winston-Salem, NC, do some great twists. The have the basic classic, a Hickory smoked, flame roasted jalapeno (locally sourced!), and a weirdly delicious one: pimento cheese with goat cheese and sundried tomato. People of 336, find this pimento cheese, get yourself some Wheat Thins, turn on Steel Magnolias, start crying your eyeballs out. Oops, I went one too far.

Up: brunch with my first official guests, my friend Anna (of the wonderful blog, Curiouser and Curiouser) and her husband, Kevin Keller. Who one time, after a few glasses of wine, I called Kevin Kline. So sometimes, I call him Kevin Kline. And sometimes I call him Kevin Keller. Cause that is his name.

But I digress.

Anna and Kevin Kline were my first official guest, so I had to find something delicious for brunch. Something easy enough to make on a Sunday morning, that could be paired with the only breakfast meat that matters: bacon, and would work well with a boozy brunch cocktail.

Enter The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook and her Baked Ranchero Eggs with blistered jack cheese and lime crema. This dish is wonderful. And despite using a dozen eggs, it actually served the three of us for brunch very well. But the best part of this dish is that it’s incredibly simple. You can make the spicy tomato sauce ahead and reheat it in the morning. You cook your eggs in the spicy tomato sauce and black beans. And then broil it with the jack cheese on top. Other than prepping some accoutrement and any breakfast meats that you so choose (bacon…obviously), that’s it. And it’s delicious. Breakfast in Mexico. Breakfast IN Mexico. Brexico.

And what goes with Brexico? Tequila.

Every good brunch needs a boozy brunch cocktail. This one is violently pink and delightfully smooth. As your morning tequila should be.

Just as they do it in Brexico.

—

Baked Ranchero Eggs with Blistered Jack Cheese and Lime Crema

from The Smitten Kitchen Cookbook by Deb Perelman

Ingredients:

Ranchero Sauce

1 jalapeno
3 cups (from a 28-ounce can) whole tomatoes, fire-roasted if you can find them | Yeah, this ingredient confused me. I think you should just use the whole can.
1 medium white onion, roughly chopped
1 large garlic clove, crushed and peeled
Salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
1 ¾ cups cooked black beans (or a 15-ounce can), drained

Crisp Tortilla Strips

2 tablespoons olive oil
4 small corn tortillas | I used flour cause I had them.
Salt, to taste
12 large eggs
1 ¼ cups coarsely shredded jack cheese

Garnishes

2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice (from about 1 lime)
1 cup crema Mexicana or sour cream
¼ cup chopped fresh cilantro

Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. First, taste your jalapeno for heat. Adjust accordingly, halving or quartering the pepper if needed and toss into a blender. Add the tomatoes, onion, garlic, and several pinches of salt and pepper, and blend until smooth. Pour into a 12-inch ovenproof skillet, add black beans (if using), and bring to a simmer. Cook for 10 minutes, or until it has reduced slightly.

Meanwhile, brush a baking sheet with 1 tablespoon of the olive oil. Cut the tortillas into ½-inch-wide strips, and arrange them on the oiled tray. Brush the tops of the tortilla strips with the remaining tablespoon of oil, and sprinkle with salt. Bake for 3 to 6 minutes, or until they are brown and crisp, turning over once if needed. If you are like me, you will burn the first batch. Remove strips from oven, then preheat broiler.

In a separate bowl, stir together the lime juice, crema, and a pinch of salt.

Once the sauce has thickened slightly, remove the pan from heat, and break the eggs across the surface of the sauce, distributing them as evenly as possible. Return to heat, cover the pan, and simmer eggs gently in sauce for about 10 to 12 minutes, until the whites are nearly but not completely opaque. Sprinkle the surface of the tomato-egg mixture with cheese, and broil until the cheese is bubbly and a bit blistered—just a few minutes.

Garnish with dollops of lime crema, broken up pieces of tortilla strips, and cilantro. Serve immediately.

Brexico!

—

Fire Island Sunset

From In My Kitchen by Ted Allen

Ingredients:

Ice
½ cup fresh pink grapefruit juice, cold
¼ cup brewed hibiscus tea, cold
¼ cup silver tequila
½ teaspoon Cointreau
1 thin slice or chunk of candied ginger | I couldn’t find this…and the drink was still great without it.

Fill a tall glass with ice, add the grapefruit juice, tea, tequila, and Cointreau, and stir. Garnish with the ginger.

Fire Island Sunset

Tagged ants, Asheville, Bacon, Baked Ranchero Eggs with Blistered Jack Cheese and Lime Crema, Boozy Brunch Cocktail, Breakfast, Brexico, Brunch, Curiouser and Curiouser, Deb Perelman, Fire Island Sunset, Jesus, Judge Reinhold, lists, Lysol, Mexico, New York, Peggy Rose's Hot Pepper Jelly, Pimento Cheese, Pink, Raid, Red Clay Gourmet, Roller Coaster, Roots Hummus, Smitten Kitchen, Steel Magnolias, Ted Allen, Tequila, wd-50, Whole Foods, Winston-Salem, Wylie Dufresne, Zoolander

Jul 10 2013

You Put the Lime in the Coconut: Coconut-Lime Pork Tacos

I will not apologize for certain things. For instance:

Being tall. I cannot help it-slash-I like it. (I didn’t always.)
Being sassy. I fully expect that I am the Dorothy Zbornak of most groups. Because I am sassy. And aforementionadly tall.
Loving the Muppets.

THAT’S RIGHT.

I love the Muppets. The Muppet Show is my jam.

And although I like to think I’m Rowlf (cool, calm, ready with a quip), I’ve been told more than once that I’m Animal (the crazed “primitive man and crazed drummer from Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem Band” according to Wikipedia.) Why fight the truth. Hey, at least nobody has figured out that I’m actually Gonzo.

How I See Myself

How Others See Me

Sidenote? Why don’t I identify with any lady Muppets? Well, let’s be honest. The only real lady Muppet is Miss Piggy. And I’ll never be fancy enough to be Miss Piggy. I do not own nearly enough luggage.

The thing about it is. The Muppets are wonderful. I saw the newest Muppet movie with my parents and Gramma. I asked my Gramma, who is 91 and a bit hard of hearing, if she liked the movie. And she said “I really liked those Moffats. They’re really colorful.” They are, Gramma. They are.

But she’s right. They Moffats Muppets ARE colorful. And bright. And funny. And silly. And funny. And weird. How do you not love them?

PLEASE NOTE: I have two best friends who do not love them. Emily and Marla do not love the Muppets. And while I understand their fake reasoning (“I didn’t grow up with them!”) versus their real reasoning (“they FREAK ME OUT”), I can appreciate that some of my friends are different than me. ….I guess.

But here’s the thing.

Sometimes the Muppets can inspire you in the kitchen. And I’m not just talking about The Swedish Chef. (Bork bork bork.) No no, I’m talking about something else. Something that’s a bit more infectious. A bit more Caribbean.

In college, we would walk around singing this. “You put the lime in the coconut.” God, theatre majors are weird. How we get jobs is beyond me.

ANYWAY.

As promised, I made the Coconut Tres Leches Cake that I blogged about a few weeks back. And although I hadn’t tried it then, it was, in fact, delicious. The only thing I’d warn you about is that this cake doesn’t travel well. The leches are spilly. And they can and will spill all over your car, seeping into every crevice of your passenger seat. So, I’d say: make this one at home and leave it there.

But I did not stop there. Because when you put the lime in the coconut, you must drink it all up. (Now, let me get this straight…)

I also made Coconut-Lime Pork Tacos with Black Beans and Avocado. This is a simple, easy recipe for a weeknight dinner or a weekend lunch. Lots of flavor and little fuss. Nothing crazy. No surprises.

But if you prefer something with some surprises, maybe you should try this.

And that’s why this is a fake food blog. Bork bork bork.

—

Coconut-Lime Pork Tacos with Avocado from Food 52

1 pound ground pork
1 small onion, finely chopped
1 large garlic cloves, thinly sliced
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
1 ½ teaspoon ground cumin
1 ½ teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon Spanish smoked paprika
Cayenne pepper, to taste
2/3 cups coconut milk, stirred (full-fat recommended)
3 tablespoons pineapple juice
1-2 tablespoon freshly squeezed lime juice, from 1 lime | I used 2.
2 cups or one 15 ounce can cooked black beans, drained and rinsed | I used canned cause it just easier.
Corn or flour tortillas, for serving
1 large avocado, diced
Other recommended toppings: corn salsa, chopped cilantro, sour cream, shredded cheddar or Monterey jack cheese

In a large skillet, heat one tablespoon of olive oil over medium heat. Add onion, garlic, and a large pinch of salt and pepper; cook, stirring occasionally, until they’ve softened, about 3 to 5 minutes. Push the onion and garlic to one side of the pan, and add the cumin, paprika, oregano, chile, and cayenne. Let sizzle in the pan until they’re toasted and fragrant, about 1 minute, then stir well until the onions and garlic are evenly coated with the spices.

Add the ground pork to the pan. Cook over medium-high heat, breaking up any large chunks of pork and stirring occasionally, until the pork is just cooked through. Season with salt to taste. Remove any excess fat from the pan.

Add the coconut milk; simmer for about 5 minutes until thickened, then stir in the black beans, pineapple juice and 1 tablespoon lime juice and cook for an additional minute or two. Taste and add more lime juice if needed. Adjust the seasoning to taste. You can serve right away, or cover the pan and let the pork gently simmer over low heat.

Using a slotted spoon, divide the ground pork equally among lightly warmed flour tortillas. Serve with lots of avocado and other toppings of your choice.

Tagged Animal, Avocado, Bork Bork Bork, Cake, Coconut, Dorothy Zbornak, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem Band, Emily, Food 52, Golden Girls, Gonzo, Gramma, Marla, Miss Piggy, Moffats, Muppets, Rowlf, Sass, Swedish Chef, Tacos, Tall, The Muppet Show

Jun 29 2013

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Mi Viaje a Barcelona (Part 3): Market Cuina Fresca and Being a Douchebag

This may just be the douchiest thing I say today, but: the way to eat at the most delicious restaurants on the earth is to have friends who know the owners of the most delicious restaurants on the earth.

I know, I know. I’m SO fancy. I put my Christian Louboutins on the same way you do: in my mind and not in reality.

I digress.

I serendipitously happened to be in Barcelona at the same time as a very cool friend of mine, Director Jonathan Barber. (I like calling him Director Jonathan Barber because he is, in fact, a director. He asked me to call him ‘sir’ but I have no evidence that he has been knighted. PROVE IT, JON.)

The last time I saw Jon, we shot a spot together and he bought me a Nintendo Game Boy fanny pack. We also ate 7 dozen oysters (calm down…with the help of 4 other people) and had a SICK meal at this place in Toronto called Parts and Labour. Jon is friends with one of the owners of Parts and Labour, which just got written up as one of Food and Wine’s Insider Picks for Toronto restaurants. So, I trust Jon with the foods. And all of my Nintendo-based accessories, obviously.

Jon’s friends Ana and Damien own this little place on Carrer de Badajoz in Barcelona. And it is legit. If you are in Barcelona, go find Market Cuina Fresca.

Every morning, Chef Damien gets up at 6 and goes to the market to shop and put together that day’s menu. Everything is incredibly fresh. And not to mention, incredibly delicious. (Bonus? It’s healthy. WHAT?!)

They’re just open for lunch, but that’s more than enough. In Spain, they do this terrific thing called a “menu del dia” or “menu of the day.” (Now you know Spanish!) For a fixed price–at Market, it’s 12 euro–you get a first and second course and a dessert, plus a drink. I mean, that’s kind of awesome.

The restaurant is light and airy. Which is amazing when I saw the pictures that Ana showed me of what it used to be. It was literally brown and orange inside. And now it reminds me of something that could be in the less pretentious parts of Santa Monica. Wherever those are.

And the food. Shit, y’all. I ate lunch there twice, which breaks my travel rule of not repeating restaurants. But the food is just that good. And the menu is always changing. It’s whatever is fresh and at the market that moment, hence the name: Market Cuina Fresca.

By the by, sidenote. The whole farm to table thing is a seemingly new trend here in the US. But the reality of the way Damien shops for Market and the care that he puts into his menu, it’s just the way things are done over there. And doesn’t that make sense? If a tomato tastes best and is in season in the summer, why would you want to eat it in the any other time? (And why would you want to eat a tomato from like Iceland to eat one in December…??)

Market Cuina Fresca. Go. Seriously. Look at all these foods I ate.

Photo credit: Director Jonathan Barber

Jon told me I had to credit him for taking this picture. And to be fair, seeing as he is an actual director with an eye for visual composition, the food photos on this blog have lit’rally never looked better.

This was dessert: Cheese, quince, pear. AMAZING. The photography? Awful.

This was dessert: Cheese, quince, pear. AMAZING.
I took this picture. It’s ain’t great.

I highly recommend a trip to Market. And a trip to Barcelona. If you happen to run into Jon there, it’ll be even more fun. (Stop by Drunk Beach. The half liter Estrella Damms will get you.) I’m looking forward to running into him in another city. And I fully expect him to have a pair of Sega Genesis legwarmers for me.

Sadly for me, this is my last Barcelona post. But I shall carry it in my heart. And on my thighs.

Tagged Barcelona, Christian Louboutin, Douchebag, Drunk Beach, Fancy, Farm to Table, Food and Wine, Market Cuina Fresca, Nintendo Game Boy Fanny Pack, Parts and Labour, Serendipity, Toronto

Jun 20 2013

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And on the 15th day, I moved.

A brief respite from my humble bragging about Barcelona and #ham to tell you that in between my trip to Barcelona and my upcoming production, I moved. (Oh, you didn’t know that I went to Barcelona? WELL, I DID)

I didn’t move because I wanted to. Well, I did want to. But I also had to. My landlady decided to sell the condo I’d been renting. So, I had to find a new place.

My parents came up last week and frankly, I could not have done it without them. Literally. If I’d done it alone, it would’ve gotten done. Like, all the stuff would be at my house. But I would’ve been living in a fort of boxes because I would’ve gotten overwhelmed and instead of unpacking the boxes, I would’ve come up with something new to do with them. Like make a fort.

I’m living in a house now, which is exciting. And kind of scary. I think I might set up a tar and feather station, a la Home Alone. Just for some extra security. Bless this highly nutritious, microwavable meal and the people who sold it on sale. (Sorry, Sarah. Home Alone sin, quoting it out of season.)

Here are some pics.

Naturally, the thing I’m most excited about is my new kitchen. And one thing in particular.

IT. HAS. AN. ACTUAL. OVEN. For the last 5 years, everything I’ve baked was made in THIS monstrosity.

Although, to be fair, it didn’t usually have other racks in it.

I know, it’s worse than Portia di Rossi’s new face. But, seriously folks…

This was really hard for someone who loves to bake. To make a batch of chocolate chip cookies, it would take me over 2 hours. I could fit 4 cookies on a sheet tray. I had to buy special sheet trays to fit the oven. It was just dumb.

My dad, whose passion is model railroading (I know…we’re a really cool family), compared my love of baking to model railroading. And he said “you’re probably just as excited to bake something as I was to get out there and put cracks on the sidewalks on my model railroad!”

Again, VERY cool family. Welcome to the family, fake future husband!!

So, he asked what the first thing I was going to bake was. And I said: coconut tres leeches cake.

Much like the patatas bravas, I haven’t had a chance to make this yet. But it’s from Food 52, so I feel like it’s gonna be delicious. It’s going to be the first thing I bake. I mean, I may throw a piece of salmon in the oven. But this will be the first cake-ular thing that happens. Because man should not live on bread alone. And let them eat cake. And I’m out of phraseology, but now I’m hungry for cake.

Fuck.

—

Coconut Tres Leches Cake from Food 52

Serves one 9×13 cake

1 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 cup coconut flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter (1 stick), plus more for the pan
1 tablespoon honey
5 large eggs
3/4 cups sugar, plus 2 tablespoons
1 teaspoon vanilla
One 13 1/2 ounce can coconut milk
One ounces 14 ounce can sweetened condensed milk
1 1/2 cup whole milk
1 pint heavy whipping cream
Zest from 1 lime
1 cup sweetened shredded coconut

Heat the oven to 350. Butter a 9×13 baking dish. Melt the butter and honey together and set aside.

Whisk the flours, salt, and baking powder together in a medium bowl.

Beat the eggs, sugar, and vanilla in a larger bowl until everything lightens in color and is nice and smooth. Now on lower speed or with a gentler arm, beat in the flour in 2 additions until the batter is just smooth. Fold in the butter and mix until it is just fully incorporated. Pour the batter into the pan and bake 25-30 minutes, rotating cake once halfway through, until it is golden and a toothpick comes out clean. This is going to look like a sort of shallow cake. Don’t worry.

While the cake bakes, mix the three milks (tres leches) together and also spread the coconut out on a baking sheet. When the cake comes out, pop the coconut into the oven to toast. Check and stir every 3-4 minutes. It should only take 8-9 minutes to get golden brown.

Use a toothpick to poke little holes all over the warm cake. Now pour the milk over it — slowly. It is going to look like a LOT of milk and you are going to want to panic. Don’t. My cake actually floated up like a raft briefly! But pour it all on and wait — 95% of that milk is going to adsorb into the cake and the rest is that lake you are looking for. Allow the cake to cool completely, and the toasted coconut as well.

Now whip the cream, 2 tablespoons of sugar, and lime zest together until stiff peaks form. Spread the cream over the cake, then sprinkle the coconut over top. You can dig in right now, our keep it in the fridge for 3-4 days, though I doubt it’ll last that long.

Tagged Barcelona, Dave, Food 52, ham, Home Alone, House, Humblebrag, Kitchen, Maria, moving, Production

Jun 13 2013

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Mi Viaje a Barcelona (Part 2): Patatas Bravas EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

This is a typical conversation between me and the Voice in my Head about potatoes. You know. As you do.

Voice in my Head: So, Bethany. You just got back from Spain? What did you eat?

Me: Well, Voice in my Head who already knows the answer but who is asking me questions for the conceit of this blog post, clearly you did not read my last post. I ate bread. And much of it.

Voice in my Head: Wow! They have bread in Spain!

Me: Yep. …Just like in America.

VIMH: What else do they have in Spain that they have in America to eat?

Me: Seriously? You didn’t read the post at all. They have ham.

VIMH: I’m a figment of your imagination. Also, HAM!

Me: …calm down…

VIMH: And? What ELSE?!

Me: Wow. This was an annoying device to tell this story.

VIMH: And? What ELSE?!

Me: Potatoes.

VIMH: Potatoes?

Me: Potatoes.

VIMH: What kind of potatoes?!

Me: Patatas bravas.

VIMH: OOOOH. Those sound FANCY.

Me: They’re not fancy. They’re at every regular bar/restaurant in Spain. But my friend Marla and I decided to become connoisseurs and we ate them almost every day. Sometimes twice a day. Because, well, they’re absurdly delicious.

Seriously. And this isn’t even all of them.

VIMH: What makes them so good?

Me: Well, they’re fried.

VIMH: OOOOOH.

Me: Will you just…shut… They’re potatoes that are fried and then covered with a paprika sauce and a garlic aioli. And they’re frankly delicious.

VIMH: OOOOOH.

Me: I hate you.

VIMH: I get that a lot. How do you make them?

Me: Well, I don’t know because I’m moving and then going on production so I have not cooked anything and won’t be doing so for awhile. But I’m going to transcribe a recipe I’ve never tried by the great Jose Andres. And then try to cook them….in awhile.

VIMH: Wow. This really is a fake food blog.

Me: I know, right? Also, you’re an asshole.

VIMH: I get that a lot.

—

Patatas Bravas from Olive Oil from Spain

For the brava sauce

6 fresh tomatoes
3 Tbs. Spanish extra-virgin olive oil
2 tsp. sugar
1 bay leaf
1 tsp. pimentón (Spanish sweet paprika)
1 pinch cayenne pepper
1 Tbs. sherry vinegar
Salt to taste

For the allioli sauce | Allioli is Catalan for Aioli which is Italian for Garlic-Olive Oil-Amazing Sauce

1 small egg
1 cup Spanish extra-virgin olive oil
1 garlic clove, peeled
1 Tbs. Spanish Sherry vinegar or lemon juice
Salt to taste

For the potatoes

4 cups Spanish extra-virgin olive oil
2 pounds Idaho potatoes (about 3-4 large potatoes), peeled and cut into 1″ cubes
Salt to taste
½ cup allioli (see recipe to follow)
1 bunch chives, finely chopped, for garnish

Preparation:

Cut each tomato in half lengthwise. Place a grater over a bowl and grate the open side of the tomato into the bowl. Strain the grated flesh through a sieve to produce 2 cups of tomato puree.

To make the brava sauce, pour the 3 tablespoons of olive oil into a small pan and warm over low heat. Add the tomato puree, sugar, bay leaf, pimentón, and cayenne.

Raise the heat to medium and cook until the mixture reduces by 2/3 and becomes a deep red color, about 20 minutes.

Remove from the heat. Add the vinegar, add salt to taste, and reserve.

Take a deep and heavy-bottomed pot and pour in the olive oil. Heat to 250°F. Place the potatoes in the oil and poach them, frying them slowly until soft, which normally takes about 10 minutes. The potatoes won’t change color but they will soften all the way through. You can test for softness by inserting a toothpick; if it comes out easily, the potatoes are done.

Remove from the pot with a slotted spoon or a spider and drain on paper towels. Set aside.

Raise the temperature of the olive oil to 350°F. Return the potatoes to the pot.

Fry in batches until crispy and brown, about 2 minutes. Sprinkle with salt to taste. Continue until all the potatoes have been fried.

Drizzle a little brava sauce on a serving plate. Top with the potatoes, add a dollop of the allioli, and sprinkle with chives.

Allioli a la moderna | Modern garlic and oil sauce

Break the egg into a mixing bowl. Add 2 tablespoons of the olive oil and the garlic cloves, along with the vinegar or lemon juice.

Using a hand blender/immersion blender, start mixing at high speed until the garlic is fully pureed into a loose paste. Little by little, add what’s left of the olive oil as you continue blending. If the mixture appears too thick as you begin pouring the oil, add 1 teaspoon of water to loosen the sauce. Continue adding the oil and blending until you have a rich, creamy allioli. The sauce will be a lovely yellow color. Add salt to taste.

** If you do not have access to a hand blender, you can use a hand mixer (the kind with the two beaters) or a food processor. If you use a food processor, you must double the recipe or the amount will be too little for the blades to catch and emulsify.

José’s tips

What happens if the oil and egg separate? Don’t throw it out. You can do two things. One is to whisk it and use it as a side sauce for a fish or vegetable. But if you want to rescue the allioli, take 1 tablespoon of lukewarm water in another container and start adding to the mix little by little. Blend it again until you create the creamy sauce you wanted.

Bethany’s tips

I told you. I haven’t made this yet. Don’t be a dick.

Tagged Aioli, Allioli, Barcelona, Bread, Crazy Person, ham, Jose Andres, Paprika, Patatas Bravas, Potatoes, Spain, Voice in my Head

Jun 09 2013

Mi Viaje a Barcelona: A Carbtastrophe

Those of you who know me as a real life human being know that I studied abroad in Spain junior year of college. I believe it was the fall of 2004 and oh my god that was so long ago and it feels like yesterday. (Call on me, anyone?)

This vacation was my first time back to Spain since then. While I was there, I had some really powerful visceral memories of things I did/did not miss from my time living there.

Things I did not miss:

Weird old men that hit on you while you’re walking down the street
The smell of sewage that randomly assaults your nostrils as you walk down a picturesque sidewalk
Dog shit just all over the aforementioned picturesque sidewalk

Things I did so much miss:

The sound of church bells ringing in the hour
Cafe con leche
The weird, nonsensical graffiti that is so well executed that you can’t even be mad at it, for example:
I don’t remember this from the movie.
The rapid fire Spanish you both can and can’t understand; and on the flip side, broken English for tourists
The amazing sights, including but not limited to beaches, cathedrals, parks and monuments
Sigh.
And duh. The food.

For me, this trip was about relaxing and eating. It was like How Stella Got Her Groove Back if Stella had been jilted by a Lean Cuisine and she chose to get her true revenge ON the Lean Cuisine by eating and drinking all of the carbs that there were in the world.*

*I think it’s pretty clear that I’ve never seen the movie. So this is a really bad metaphor based on what I THINK the movie is about. But somehow I don’t think I’m too far off.

Anyway. Barcelona.

Spanish food is generally simple, fresh and so, so good. And, y’all, they have the best ham in the world.

HAM!

If you’re a lover of ham like I am, then you simply haven’t lived until you’ve had jamon iberico. Prosciutto? Garbage compared to jamon iberico. The meat is salty and the fat melts in your mouth. I miss it already. But be warned, it is also a little bit stringy and hard to eat in front of people you think are good looking. But I digress. Jamon iberico is delicious and it’s perfect on my new favorite Spanish delicacy: pan con tomate.

This was a new discovery for me. The Spanish have bread at every meal, but in Barcelona that bread is so much more than just bread. They take sliced crusty bread, toast or grill it, rub it with a bit of garlic, and then rub it with a ripe tomato.

THAT’S IT. It’s effing delicious.

I have more posts about Barcelona to come. A whole post about potatoes. (MMHMM. POTATOES.) And one a restaurant you simply must go find if you’re in en Barthelona.

Cause everyone deserves a chance to get their groove back , y’all.**

**Seriously, I’m not going to see the movie. But I will continue to make references like I have.

—

Pan Con Tomate adapted from Tapas: Sensational Small Plates from Spain by Joyce Goldstein

Ingredients

Crusty Bread
Olive oil
Garlic
Ripe Tomato, cut in half

Heat grill pan (or broiler) to medium-high heat.

Cut the bread ½ inch thick. Brush both sides with olive oil. Grill (or broil) until marked on both sides and somewhat crisp. Immediately rub one side with a garlic clove. Then rub the cut side of halved tomato on the still-hot garlic-rubbed bread. If desired, garnish with an anchovy or a slice of Serrano ham, since we cannot easily get the delicious jamon iberico here in America.

Roast salmon, tomato and watermelon salad and pan con tomate.

Tagged Barcelona, Barthelona, Cafe con leche, Carbtastrophe, ham, Jamon Iberico, Jessica Rabbit, Pan con tomate, Salmon, Sitges, Spain, Tomato and Watermelon Salad, Woody Woodpecker

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Real Food. Fake Blog.

Category Archives: Uncategorized

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Mi Viaje a Barcelona (Part 3): Market Cuina Fresca and Being a Douchebag

And on the 15th day, I moved.

Mi Viaje a Barcelona (Part 2): Patatas Bravas EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

Mi Viaje a Barcelona: A Carbtastrophe