Monthly Archives: May 2014

Tortilla Española: Simple, Spanish, Non-Slutty, Eggy Goodness

I can’t remember the first time I ate tortilla española, but I’m sure it was a life changing experience. So life changing, I cannot remember it.

Boom. Joke landed.

But seriously, folks. Tortilla española. Are you familiar with this Spanish delight? It is the simplest food. Egg. Potato. There’s some salt. A LOT of olive oil. Sometimes, people try to add some other shit in. But I’m a bit of a purist. We’ve got a good thing going, baby. Why fuck mess ruin fuck that up?

Tortilla bella.

Tortilla bella.

Now, you’re probably saying to yourself: Self, what is the difference between this dish, and say, a frittata.

Well, let’s start with the obvious: this one is better.

CALM DOWN. Frittatas are excellent. They’re unbelievably versatile. But, they’re incredibly difficult to spell. So, let’s simplify our lives.

The main difference, based on my one Google search my vast experience and knowledge is that a tortilla española must always have egg + potato as a base. A frittata is egg + anything. Frittatas? Kinda slutty. Butternut squash? Cool. Cheese? Whatever, I’ll try anything. Have some self-respect, frittatas.

Before you think that the tortilla española is boring for being basic, I will repeat the thing I keep repeating on this blog: I don’t know what I’m doing.

Ahem.

I will repeat another thing: the simplest food, when executed well, is the best food.

Believe you me. Though simple, it is not a dish for the timid. It requires some real machismo. Particularly when you get to that ever-dicey flip of the tortilla to cook the uncooked top.

Edges are done. Time to flip.

Edges are done. Time to flip.

Cover that shit up. Don't slide, just flip.

Cover that shit up. Don’t slide, just flip.

You did it. You are the champion!

You did it. You are the champion!

If done without the proper guts, you will wind up with egg and potato on your floor. But if done with just the right amount of courage (liquid or otherwise), you will come up with a dish that frankly, is just divine.

Your trip to Barcelona is just a bite away.

Tortilla Española from Bon Appetit May 2014 issue

  • 1 tablespoon plus 2 cups olive oil
  • 1 medium yellow onion, thinly sliced
  • Kosher salt
  • 2 medium waxy potatoes (about ¾ lb.), peeled, cut into ¾” pieces | Yukon Gold work well. Also, I think you could get a little thinner than this. My potatoes were downright chunky.
  • 8 large eggs

Heat 1 Tbsp. oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add onion, season with salt, and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened and dark brown, 35–40 minutes. Let cool slightly.

Meanwhile, heat potatoes and remaining 2 cups oil in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat until oil around potatoes begins to bubble; reduce heat to medium and cook until potatoes are tender but have not taken on any color, 10–12 minutes. Drain potatoes, reserving oil. Season potatoes with salt and let cool slightly.

Combine eggs, onion, potatoes, and ¼ cup reserved potato cooking oil in a large bowl and gently beat with a fork.

Heat 3 Tbsp. reserved potato cooking oil in a 10” nonstick skillet over medium heat (reserve remaining oil for another use). Add egg mixture and cook, lifting at edge and tilting skillet to let uncooked egg run underneath, until bottom and edge of tortilla are set but center is still wet.

Set a large plate on top of skillet. Swiftly invert tortilla onto plate, then slide back into skillet, cooked side up. Cook until center is just set, about 2 minutes longer. Cut into wedges.

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Haters Gonna Hate: Taco Bell Breakfast

I believe it was Plato who said “haters gonna hate.”

via AnimatedMeme.Blogspot.com

via AnimatedMeme.Blogspot.com

Ok, it wasn’t Plato.

But when Taco Bell came out with their breakfast menu in March of this year, I thought, “well, that is absolutely ridiculous.”

My name is Bethany, and I’m a Hater.

(Hi Bethany.)

But, I wasn’t educated. I was basically being a really nasty Hatecist. Blindly hating something I knew nothing about.

So, on Sunday, I rolled out of bed, put on a hat, did not brush my teeth or put on a bra, and I drove on over.

OH, judge me all you want, but I was going to Taco Bell, not Buckingham Palace.

My bestie Anna recommended the steak burrito. She and her hursband Kevin are big proponents of the Bell breakfast. Kevin pretty much has his PHD in egg cookery, so I can trust them. She also said that the waffle taco was worth trying as a second item.

Since #yolo, I got a steak burrito, a waffle taco with sausage, a hash brown, and a juice. No, I didn’t eat them all. Stop your body fascism. I can have two things if I want.

Mornings will never be the same, so they CLAIM.

Mornings will never be the same, so they CLAIM.

I didn’t touch the juice cause it seemed a fake color orange. Like if you melted down a bunch of Atomic Tangerine crayons and put them in a bottle. So, wasted that. CHECK. Being an adult. CHECK.

The hash brown was pretty standard. It wasn’t very greasy, but it didn’t have much potato inside. I’d call it a draw.

The waffle taco. It’s a novelty. It’s a curly Eggo-style waffle with a sausage patty, some eggs, and a smattering of cheese. You drizzle or dunk into the syrup. You know. Cause it’s a BREAKFAST TACO, YOU GUYS. I ate two bites and said “Alright, I’ve tried that.”

The steak burrito was pretty good, all things considered. I dipped it in ketchup (normal) and then I dipped it in the leftover syrup from the Waffle Taco (went rogue!). Salty sweet situation. It was kind of weird and….kind of great.

Am I still a Taco Bell breakfast Hatescist? No. The Hatecism that was in my heart has been removed, bit by sausage-y bit.

And the holes that were there have been plugged up with the grease from the burrito and waffle taco. Because Hatecism may not kill, but high cholesterol does.

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The Bao-ser’s Castle Burger

Holy guacamole, this looks incredible.

PornBurger

These White Castle-inspired beauties take as much inspiration from the midwest as they do from the far east. Squeezed between a hot and steamy pun bun, sits a square, onion soup-braised (and seared) beef tongue patty, nested with green onion slices, quick pickle cucumber, cilantro, grilled pork belly, and a hoisin mayonnaise.  Bao chicka fucking wow wow.

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