Salad | my fake food blog

May 27 2015

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Grill, Salad

Not Clickbait: 74 Reasons to Grill Your Salad

74 Reasons to Grill Your Salad

1. It tastes good.

2. It tastes, like, really good.

3. It’s summer, so that’s a reason.

4. Bon Appetit’s editor said to do it. Bon Appetit is like Oprah. If they say to do it, you should do it.

5. Vegetables are good! Fire is good! Put them together, even better!

6. Salads are good! Grills are good! Put them together, even better!

7. How many do I have left? Oh, for fuck’s sake.

8. You can do all kinds of salads on the grill. Like this sexy lady. Steak and grilled scallions and beets and stuff. A real show stopper. Frankly, I ate most of this myself.

Wut.

9. And this one, with my funky fresh friend anchovy paste. Cause funk is good! Salt is good! Put them together, even better!

Uptown funk you up no that was stupid pretend I didn't do that.

Uptown funk you up no that was stupid pretend I didn’t say that.

10. And this salad that I made up with fresh seasonal veggies and eat alongside the world’s largest burger. (If only someone had seen me unhinge my jaw to eat it like the true basilisk that I am.)

Salad and burger, a match made in heaven.

I also took a picture of it on the grill. I left my shadow in there so you knew i was really taking the picture.

11. Ok, that had to be about 70 reasons.

12. Wow. Not there yet? I guess I’ll keep going.

13. It’s this list satire funny yet?

14. What about now?

15. Or now?

16. I love running a joke into the ground til it’s so unfunny that it becomes funny again.

17. Probably isn’t funny again yet.

18. Probably not yet either.

19. The thing is, I’m tired of all the clickbait out there. And I’m tired of the things that pass as journalism. Without perspective or POV or writing style. Or humor.

20. ….it’s a little funny now though, right?

21. The long and the short of it is, the grill adds a different dimension to your veg. Sweetness in corn is amplified tenfold. It adds smoke to everything, but somehow more to asparagus. It adds char. It adds heat and warmth. Suddenly, you have new temperatures to play with as well as textures in your salad.

22. So don’t be afraid to mix it up. You will undoubtably find something excited.

23-73. More grilled salad recipes

74. Eh? Sort of funny?

—

Grilled Steak Salad with Beets from Bon Appetit

Aioli:

½ cup beef or chicken stock or low-sodium chicken broth
1 large egg yolk*
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
½ cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
1 small garlic clove, finely grated
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Salad:

1 pound tri-tip, New York strip, or skirt steak
1 garlic clove, halved
4 tablespoons olive oil, divided
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 bunch scallions or ramps
1 bunch spicy greens (such as arugula or mizuna)
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
3 beets, peeled, thinly sliced
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar

For Aioli:

Bring stock to a simmer in a small saucepan over medium-low heat; cook until reduced by half, about 5 minutes.Whisk egg yolk and mustard in a bowl. Whisking constantly, gradually add oil, drop by drop at first, until mixture is very thick. Whisk in lemon juice and garlic; season with salt and pepper. Stir in stock.

For Salahd:

Preheat oven to 200°. Prepare grill for medium-high heat (or heat a grill pan over medium-high). Rub steak with cut sides of garlic and 1 Tbsp. oil; season with salt and pepper. Grill, turning several times, until lightly charred and medium-rare (an instant-read thermometer should register 130°), 14–16 minutes. Transfer to a rack set inside a rimmed baking sheet.

Meanwhile, toss scallions on another baking sheet with 1 Tbsp. oil; season with salt and pepper. Grill, turning often, until tender, about 4 minutes. Transfer to rack with beef and keep warm in oven.

Arrange greens on a platter; season with salt and pepper. Drizzle with lemon juice and 1 Tbsp. oil. Toss beets in a bowl with vinegar and remaining 1 Tbsp. oil; season with salt and pepper. Arrange over greens. Slice steak ½” thick; top greens with scallions and meat. Pour any juices over; season with salt. Serve with aioli.

*Raw egg is not recommended for the elderly, pregnant women, children under 4, and people with weakened immune systems.

—

Grilled Romaine Salad from FoodNetwork

2 heads romaine lettuce
Extra-virgin olive oil
Citrus Caesar Vinaigrette, recipe follows
Parmigiano-Reggiano

Citrus Caesar Vinaigrette:

1 clove garlic, minced
1 tablespoon grated lemon zest
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice (from 1 to 2 lemons)
2 tablespoons anchovy paste | I used anchovy filets minced.
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar
2/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil

Directions
Preheat a grill to medium-high.

Rinse and pat dry the lettuce. Cut the 2 heads in half lengthwise. Brush surface with olive oil and grill about 4 to 5 minutes total, turning occasionally. Place each wedge on a salad plate and drizzle with Citrus Caesar Vinaigrette or your favorite Caesar dressing. With a vegetable peeler, shave some pieces from a wedge of Reggiano-Parmigiano over each salad and serve.

Citrus Caesar Vinaigrette:
Place all ingredients in a pint jar with a lid. Secure the lid, then shake to blend. Store, covered, in the refrigerator for up to a week.

—

Grilled Corn, Asparagi & Cherry Tomato Salad

2 ears of corn
1 bunch of asparagus
Cherry Tomatoes on the vine
1/2 vidalia onion, diced
Olive oil
Red Wine Vinegar
Salt
Pepper

Rub corn, asparagus, and cherry tomatoes with olive oil. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Char on the grill to your desired charification. 6-7 minutes for the corn and asparagus. 3-4 minutes for the tomatoes, until they burst. Toss with the diced onion, drizzle with olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt and pepper to taste. Eat it up.

Tagged America's Funniest Home Videos, asparagi, AVF, basilisk, beets, Bob Saget, Bon Appetit, charification, cherry tomatoes, clickbait, FoodNetwork.com, funky, Grill, humor, journalism, Oprah, POV, Salad, salt, scallions, Steak, Vegetables, writing style

Aug 11 2014

Summer Salad That Isn’t Pizza: Vietnamese Rice Noodle Salad

I’ve been on a real salad kick lately. Mostly because I’d been working on my #pizzadiet (that’s pizza all day errday forever). I realized that while delicious, it’s not actually really that good for you. WHO KNEW?

I made one of my go-to favorites, the Zesty Taco Salad, earlier in the week. But then I saw my buddies at Food52 post this link to the Vietnamese Rice Noodle Salad and I knew I had to make it.

Just to be clear, I’m not actually buddies with the people at Food52. But, I pretend we’re friends since I follow them on Instagram and Facebook and love almost everything they do. Frankly, I’m better friends with them than some people I’m actually friends with on FB.

Anywho. This salad was so enticing that my friend Emily and I ran into each other at the store shopping for supplies (“I’m looking for napa cabbage.” “I’M looking for napa cabbage.” “Wait, what are you making…?”) After going to two stores to find the previously aforementioned napa cabbage, we both finally were able to make dinner. And to quote Emily again, it was pretty damn delicious.

If you have everything on hand, this is not only pretty damn delicious, but it’s a quick meal to assemble. It’s a meal that can be put together in the time it takes to boil water. Author’s note: this will happen much more quickly if you do not watch the pot.

This salad tastes like summer. It’s fresh and crisp, and with the dressing, sweet and spicy. There’s a ton of textures at play here, too. Rice noodles with just a bit of bite, crunchy cucumbers and cabbage, and plump shrimps.

In the nude

Is it as good as pizza?

….no, cause what is. (RIP #pizzadiet)

But, it’s a pretty damn delicious meal.

—

Vietnamese Rice Noodle Salad from Food52 Serves 2 to 3

The dressing

3 tablespoons fish sauce
3 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice
2 to 3 tablespoons light brown sugar
6 to 8 tablespoons water, to taste
1medium clove garlic, minced
1 fresh Thai (or bird’s eye) chile, minced | I couldn’t find one, so I used a serrano chile. Worked well!

The salad

8 ounces thin rice noodles (roughly the width of linguine)
3 or 4 napa cabbage leaves, thinly sliced crosswise
1 medium carrot, shredded or cut into matchsticks
½ cucumber, halved, seeded, and thinly sliced
1 handful chopped fresh herbs, preferably a combination of basil, cilantro, and mint
8 ounces cooked meat or shrimp, cut or torn into bite-sized pieces
½ cup salted peanuts, coarsely chopped

To prepare the dressing, combine the fish sauce, lime juice, 2 tablespoons of the brown sugar, 6 tablespoons of the water, the garlic, and the chile. Whisk well. Taste: if it’s too pungent, add more water, 1 tablespoon at a time. If you’d like more sweetness, add more brown sugar, 1/2 tablespoon at a time. Remember that you’re going to be putting this dressing on unsalted vegetables and noodles: you want the dressing to have a lot of flavor, but it shouldn’t knock you over. Pour into a serving bowl. (Covered and chilled, the dressing will keep for 3 days to a week.)

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add the rice noodles, and cook for 4 to 5 minutes, until tender but not mushy. Immediately drain the noodles into a colander, and rinse them well with cold water. Lay out a clean kitchen towel on the countertop, shake the colander to drain away excess water, and then spread the cooked noodles on the towel to drain further.

Divide the noodles between two or three good-sized bowls, depending on the number of diners, and top with the vegetables, herbs, and meat. Scatter the peanuts on top. Allow each person to spoon on dressing to taste. Toss well, and eat. (Alternatively, you can present this salad family-style: Toss the vegetables, herbs, and noodles in a mixing bowl and then mound them on a serving platter. Arrange the meat over the noodles, and top with peanuts. Each diner can scoop their own portion from the platter and dress it as they see fit.)

Read to Go [sic]

Tagged #pizzadiet, all day errday, Facebook, FB, Food52, Instagram, napa cabbage, PopSugar, pretend friends, Salad, Summer, Vietnamese Rice Noodle Salad

Aug 11 2013

4 Comments

Uncategorized

Summer Salad for the Almost End of Summer: Almost No Cook Black Bean Salad

Y’all. It’s August.

August.

…I hate to say this to you guys…but summer is almost over.

Lady Mary Shushes You

Ok, I get it, Lady Mary. You are cold and hard but you are also capable of love but most of all you DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT SUMMER ENDING.

So, let’s talk about things I need to do before summer ends:

Go to the pool at least once
Use my grill at least once
See one of the outdoor movies at the Reynolda House
Eat all the tomatoes before they leave me and I’m as sad as Lady Edith when she’s been jilted by Sir Anthony Stralan
“I’m so sad about being jilted. And also the tomatoes.”
And make this black bean salad again

Let me tell you what. This is an almost no cook salad. And it’s full of fresh veggies and packed with citrus-y zing (yes, I did type that).

I don’t mean to brag here. But I took this to a potluck and someone else had brought a black bean salad too. My friend who threw the potluck said that my salad was full of much more flavor than the other salad.

In a black bean salad walk off, this salad will always win, Billy Zane.

—

Almost No-Cook Black Bean Salad, adapted from PopSugar Food

Ingredients

1 lime, zested and juiced
1 small orange, zested and juiced
1 green bell pepper, stem and seeds removed, small diced
1 jalapeño, stem, ribs, and seeds removed, small diced
1 fresh corn, grilled, shucked and cut off cob | I grilled the corn because a friend of mine told me that raw corn is rough on your digestive system. (YIKES) Grilling it kept the integrity of the kernels by not making them mushy.
1-2 watermelon radishes, peeled and small diced | I used boring regular radishes.
1/2 red onion, small diced
1-2 garlic cloves, minced
1 can of black beans, drained and rinsed
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar
Salt, to taste

In a large bowl, combine all ingredients, tossing to coat well. Season with salt to taste. It’s that easy.

Black Bean Salad

Tagged Anthony Stralan, Billy Zane, Black Beans, Downton Abbey, Edith with Googley Eyes, Lady Edith, Lady Mary, PopSugar, Reynolda House, Salad, Summer, Walk Off, Zoolander

May 20 2013

1 Comment

Uncategorized

In search of my collarbone: Roast Salmon and Southeast Asian Heirloom Tomato and Cucumber Salad

I have a cool job.

I make commercials and videos. I met Big Bird once on a shoot. I produced a video for Small Batch Brewing Co., opening late summer 2013 in Winston-Salem! (See the video and support them here on Kickstarter!)

But shoots aren’t all fun and games and cavorting with Jim Henson’s Sesame Street Muppets. The hardest part about shoots isn’t about the work. It’s not about the long hours. It’s not about the potential challenges. It’s about the craft services.

Yeah. Craft services, or as those of us in the biz call it “crafty.” I don’t know why. Cause it’s cool? It sounds ridiculous. Like what ladies would call their Bible study knitting hour. “Y’all ready for crafty? We’re doing Leviticus today and purls.”

Anywho. Shoots take a long time. And in the down time, you go to craft services.

Craft services is this amazingly wonderful/evil buffet of snacks for you to eat during the long day when you’re hungry. And when you’re not hungry and you’re just looking for something to do. (Good eating habits!) There are healthy things like apples and veggie trays. And unhealthy things (read: DELICIOUSER THINGS) like beef jerky and quesadillas and fresh baked cookies. And it never runs out. And what’s even crazier is that you don’t even have to get up and go to the craft service table. PEOPLE BRING SNACKS TO YOU.

Needless to say, you (I) eat too much and you (I) need to get your (my) shit together and eat healthier. So you (I) make roast salmon and Southeast Asian Heirloom Tomato and Cucumber Salad.

This dish was stupid good. And stupid easy. And stupid healthy. All you needed was the stupid stuff. I didn’t have any of it at home. Except for salt and pepper. I’m an ADULT!

I roasted the salmon in the oven. One filet at 350 with salt, pepper and olive oil for about 20 minutes. Picture perfect.

The salad has simple ingredients, but a deep flavor. It’s basically all veg and herbs. And it’s oil free, so it helps combat all those trips to craft service.

Enjoy with a friend. Preferably one who is 8’2” and yellow. Birds like fish, right?

—

Southeast Asian Heirloom Tomato and Cucumber Salad from PopSugarFood

2 teaspoons fish sauce, or to taste
2 teaspoons freshly squeezed lime juice
1 teaspoon dark brown sugar
1 garlic clove, minced
3 large or 4 medium heirloom tomatoes, sliced ¼ inch thick
½ seedless English cucumber, thinly sliced
2 scallions, thinly sliced
½ jalapeño pepper, thinly sliced
2 tablespoons fresh Thai or regular basil, cut into a chiffonade, cause we’re fancy
2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro

Whisk together the fish sauce, lime juice, and sugar in a large mixing bowl.

Add the sliced tomato, cucumber, scallions, and jalapeño, basil, and cilantro; gently toss to coat. Serves four.

Except the garlic. I forgot the garlic for the picture. What an ass.

This salad dressing is oil-free and is delicious as is, though a sparing drizzle of toasted sesame oil wouldn’t hurt. Treat yo’ self.

The highest compliment I got about the salad is that “it looked like the picture.” Boom.

Tagged Big Bird, Collarbone, Craft Service, Crafty, Healthy, Healthy Eating, Heirloom Tomatoes, Jim Henson, Kickstarter, PopSugar, Production, Salad, Salmon, Small Batch Brewing Co, Southeast Asian Heirloom Tomato and Cucumber Salad, Winston-Salem

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Tag Archives: Salad

Not Clickbait: 74 Reasons to Grill Your Salad

Summer Salad That Isn’t Pizza: Vietnamese Rice Noodle Salad

Summer Salad for the Almost End of Summer: Almost No Cook Black Bean Salad

In search of my collarbone: Roast Salmon and Southeast Asian Heirloom Tomato and Cucumber Salad