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Jul 25 2014

Christmas in July: Lechon (Puerto Rican Pork)

If ever I’m in prison and getting the death penalty and I have to have my last meal, I already know what I’d choose.

(This assumes that Jon Hamm worship is now a crime punishable by death, btw.)

If I am punished for the heinous crime of Jon Hamm worship, then I know how I’d like to spend my last meal: eating my mother’s Puerto Rican roast pork, also known as lechon.

This pork, y’all. This pork is even sexier than Jon Hamm (somehow). It’s got everything you’re looking for in a roast. It’s got chicharrones (crispy pig skin). It’s got tender, flavorful meat. It’s covered in human tin foil.

What’s human tinfoil?

It’s that thing where a midget paints himself silver and does downward facing dog over the pork shoulder.

…Was that joke TOO ridiculous? I just made a Stefon-esque roast pork joke. Admittedly, it’s a long way to go for a ham sandwich.

Anyways, this pork is incredible. When my friend Alison planned a Christmas in July party and asked me to do the meat, I knew I had to bring my show-stopping dish.

Christmas in July is a fun occasion to eat holiday food in the middle of the summer. Christmas is so far away, but if you’re really being honest with yourself, you’re always thinking about stuffing. And mashed potatoes. And roasted meats. (At least, Alison/Anna/Jennie/Becca and I were.)

So, everyone showed up to Alison’s house, where she’d hung the stockings by the chimney with care.

Merry Christmas!

We drank whisky/gingers, listened to the Vince Guaraldi Trio and made sure our meal was properly documented.

The Meal

Anna Documenting The Meal

We also referenced the holidays/Christmas as often as we could. For example:

Becca: Today was a crazy day.

Me: Things can be tough around the holidays.

If you’re in the market for a dish to wow a crowd, this is one you need to make. This pork has such an insane amount of flavor that permeates the whole dish. It’s salty and herbaceous, with a hint of tang from the vinegar. The chicharrones are not to be discarded, but fought over. Crunchy and fatty. It’s better than the best bacon. And when you pair that with the juicy meat?

Well, you realize that it really is the most wonderful time of the year.

Oh…dang.

—

Roasted Pork Shoulder, adapted from Tyler Florence from FoodNetwork.com

1 boneless pork shoulder (about 9 pounds), skin on
8 garlic cloves
1 large handful fresh oregano
4 tablespoons Kosher salt
2 tablespoons black peppercorns
6 tablespoons vegetable oil
4 tablespoons distilled white vinegar

Place the pork, fat-side up, in a roasting pan, and using a sharp knife, stab small slits (seriously) the surface of the meat and the skin. Mash the garlic, oregano, salt, and peppercorns into a paste using the back of a knife or a mortar and pestle. Place the adobo (the paste) in a bowl and stir in the oil and vinegar. Rub the garlic paste all over the pork, being sure to get into the incisions so the salt can penetrate the meat and pull out the moisture. Cover the pork with plastic wrap and marinate in the refrigerator for at least 3 hours or up to overnight.

Note: Save yourself some trouble and put the whole roasting pan in an unscented garbage trash bag and put it in the fridge. That’s how my mom has always done it.

It’s just easier.

Allow the meat to sit at room temperature for 30 minutes before cooking. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.

Roast the pork for 1 hour, uncovered, until the skin is crispy-brown. Be sure to roast it skin side up.

Turn the oven down to 325 and roast for 2 more hours. Internal temperature should be between 150 and 160 degrees F.

Let the meat rest on a cutting board for 15 minutes before slicing. Break the skin into chicarron pieces and serve with the meat.

Tagged adapted, chicharones, Christmas in July, death penalty, Food Network, Holiday Parties, human tinfoil, Jon Hamm, Jon Hamm worship, lechon, pork, ridiculous, show-stopper, Stefon, stockings, Tyler Florence, Vince Guaraldi trio, wonderful time of the year, wow

Jul 20 2014

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My Writing Process: A Thesis on Blogs & Pantlessness

So, quick update on me and my fanciness: I was invited to be a part of a Blog Tour.

YEAH. I KNOW. I AM A BIG DEAL.

My amazing friend Anna of Curiouser & Curiouser invited me. Those of you who don’t read Anna’s blog should leave this blog and start reading hers.

WAIT!!!!

AFTER you’ve read this post, go read her blog. She is incredibly smart and fun and talks about just about everything. She is a one of my best friends and reading her blog feels like talking to a bestie, doing something we call lilypadding: jumping from topic to topic. (Posts on Advertising! Food! Cocktails! Nail polish! Clothes!) She’s the deal.

Now, onto the Blog Tour. A fellow blogger invites you to answer 4 questions about your blogular process and then you pass the baton on to another blogger.

Without further ado, I’m ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille.

1. What are you working on?

Currently watching the first season of The Rockford Files because I’m sad about James Garner’s death. Also, doing the laundry and wearing no pants. Oh, and waiting on the Chinese food to come because I didn’t feel like cooking.

In reality, I’m a producer at an advertising agency and I write my blog as a creative outlet. In college, I was a theatre major and loved working on/being in plays. I did one show after I graduated, but found it was too tough to commit to the production schedule with the reality of #agencylife. But I still needed creativity in my life. I began to cook more and thought, hey, maybe I could turn this into a blog. So about a year ago, I did. And it’s been WILDLY successful* ever since.

*Wildly=mildly

2. How does your work differ from others of its genre?

Well, for better or worse, I’m not an avid blog reader. There are a few I follow on the reg, but otherwise it’s more like appointment reading. So I can’t say for certain that it’s different than others in the genre. I know there are sassy, f-word laden cooking blogs out there. (I’m looking at you, Thug Kitchen.)

But, what I can say for certain is this blog is written the way that I talk. The goofy asides, the lilypadding, the good and bad jokes, the healthy dose of self-deprecation: 100% Bethany. I’ve been told by more than one reader (and by reader, I mean real life existing friend) that they can hear me when they read the posts.

This blog is me, through and through.

3. Why do you write what you do?

I love food. I love to make people happy with food. And I love to make people laugh. This is all my favorite things in one.

4. How does your writing process work?

Well, the reality of the situation is I don’t write as much as I’d like. I’d like to post one to three times a week. But because of #agencylife, I find it’s very easy to get pulled away from your extracurriculars.

Mostly, I write when I’m inspired. (I’m like Oscar Bloody Wilde over here.) When I’ve eaten somewhere fantastic or made something terrific/terrible, the inspiration will strike me and I find that the words come out just the right way.

But when I’m not inspired, I feel like the words are like lumpy gravy: heavy and wrong. (Just stir it, Una!)

The exciting part is that there’s tons of inspiration out there.

So, that’s My Fake Food Blog. Thank you for coming and be sure to come again.

And in the meantime, visit my other friend Anna’s blog, Seasoned to Taste. Anna is a real life Barefoot Contessa. Everything she does is gorgeous and beautiful and seems effortless. From the food to the presentation to the way she writes about it all. Basically, I want to be her when I grow up.

She’ll impress and inspire you. Particularly if you are like me and haven’t showered today and only put pants on when the delivery guy arrived.

Happy Blog Tour, y’all.

Tagged #agencylife, Anna, asides, Barefoot Contessa, Blog, Blog Tour, Bridget Jones' Diary, Chinese Food, Curiouser & Curiouser, fanciness, food, inspiration, James Garner, Jokes, lilypadding, lumpy gravy, Mr. DeMille, Oscar Wilde, Pantlessness, plays, Production, Seasoned to Taste, self deprecation, Sunset Boulevard, The Rockford Files, theatre major, Thug Kitchen, Una

Jul 07 2014

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It’s a Good Thing: Martha’s Cherry Clafouti

Martha Stewart has changed my life twice. The first time was in 2005 when I watched a made for TV movie about her life called “Martha Behind Bars.” The film opens on her shooting a segment for her show. The director calls cut, and as it turns out, someone brought her a cabernet sauvignon instead of merlot. (GASP!) Cybill Shepherd, who plays Martha, loses her shit and yells, “Did I not ASK. FOR. MERLOT?” This moment changed my life because every time I hear the word “merlot,” I re-enact this scene. Either in my mind or out loud.

The second time was in 2009 when I found a recipe for Cherry Clafouti in a Martha Stewart Living magazine. It looked so delicious and so simple So I tore the recipe out of the magazine.

Yes, I STOLE it. WWMD, amiright?

A clafouti (or clafoutis) is a baked French dessert of fruit, usually of black cherries, and arranged in a butter dish and covered with a thick flan-like batter. I got that definition from Wikipedia. You can ALWAYS trust Wikipedia.

This recipe is simple and elegant. The hardest thing about this recipe is pitting the cherries. I do not own a cherry pitter. And cherry pits are like that guy that you dumped in 8^th grade: clingy.

I searched for ways to pit cherries without a cherry pitter (use a straw! Use a chopstick!) but I did not have those things. So I used a meat thermometer, with the pointy side pointing up. Did it work? Yeah. Did I almost pierce my hand through more than once? Absolutely. Life is more fun when you’re in constant danger of disfigurement. Once that was done, my kitchen looked like an episode of CSI.

I didn’t do it, officer. I swear.

But then the rest? Smooth, custardy sailing. Whisk, arrange, pour and bake.

This is a sophisticated dessert, especially when you consider how easy it is. The custard is smooth and creamy. The cherries are sweet and tart and break up the creaminess of the custard.

So, Martha Stewart, I salute you. This recipe really is a good thing.

Oh dang.

— Cherry Clafouti, from Martha Stewart Living

Unsalted butter, for dish
2 large eggs
1 large egg yolk
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
¾ cup creme fraiche, plus more for serving
¾ cup whole milk
½ cup granulated sugar, plus more for dish
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
½ teaspoon salt
12 ounces cherries, halved and pitted
Confectioners’ sugar, for dusting

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Butter a 9-inch baking dish, 1 ¼ inches deep. Coat with granulated sugar; tap out excess. Whisk eggs, yolk, and flour in a medium bowl; whisk in creme fraiche, milk, granulated sugar, vanilla, and salt. Arrange cherries in prepared dish. Strain batter over cherries. Bake until browned around edges and set in the center, 30 to 35 minutes. Let cool slightly. Dust with confectioners’ sugar, and serve warm with creme fraiche. Note! Clafouti is best warm, so bake it just before you serve dinner. Scoop it into bowls, with a spoonful of creme fraiche.

Tagged 2005, 2009, Cherry Clafouti, chopstick, crime scene, CSI, Cybill Shepherd, disfigurement, Food 52, Martha Behind Bars, Martha Stewart, meat thermometer, Tim Howard, Wikipedia, WWMD?, YouTube

Jul 02 2014

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God Bless America: Pimento Cheese

There’s nothing more American than apple pie, baseball, and bald eagles.

Unless it’s pimento cheese.

Pimento cheese is a thoroughly southern staple, one whose history goes back to the early 20^th century. According to Indy Week’s Brief History of Pimento Cheese, it started as a status symbol for the fancies, gracing the tables during tea parties.

Eventually, as pimentos and processed cheese became more readily available, pimento cheese found its way into the lunch bags of textile workers, eaten on white bread or with crackers.

Nowadays, pimento cheese is practically available on every corner. Creamy and fatty and so good you don’t want to stop. Pimento cheese, you are saucy minx.

There are a lot of good options down here in the south, like Stan’s Original Pimento Cheese or the Winston-Salem jam Red Clay Gourmet Pimento Cheese. (Try their Hickory Smoked Cheddar. I can’t even.)

But, you can make pimento cheese just as easily as you can buy it. Every self respecting southern Grandma/Maw-Maw/Me-Maw or Granny has some in her fridge.

I made this recipe for pimento cheese from Food 52. I didn’t have celery salt, so I used celery seed and it worked just as well.

Whip up a batch today. Keep it in the fridge. Slather it on a cracker or scoop it up with some celery. Put it on a grilled cheese with some bacon and tomato.

And God bless the USA.

My Endless Love

—

Parker + Otis’ Pimento Cheese, from Food52

2 cups sharp yellow cheddar cheese, coarsely grated (about 8 ounces)
2 cups extra-sharp white cheddar cheese, coarsely grated (about 8 ounces)
1 cup drained pimentos or roasted red peppers, finely chopped
½ cup mayonnaise
½ teaspoon celery salt
Salt and freshly ground pepper
To serve: crackers, baguette slices, assorted raw vegetables

Mix ingredients in large bowl. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Can be made 3 days ahead. Cover; chill. Transfer dip to serving bowl. Surround with crackers, baguette slices, and vegetables. Alternately, make sandwiches (below).
BONUS RECIPE!!!!

Grilled Pimento Cheese Sandwiches with Bacon & Tomato

Pimento Cheese Dip (above)
12 slices sourdough bread
12 slices bacon, cooked until crisp
1 large, ripe tomato, sliced

Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Spread pimento cheese on 6 of the slices of sourdough. Top the cheese for each sandwich with 2 slices of bacon, 1 slice of tomato, then a second slice of bread. Toast each sandwich in a large skillet over low heat till golden brown on both sides, flipping as needed.

Transfer sandwiches to a baking sheet in the oven to finish warming through and melt the cheese. Serve hot.

Tagged 20th century, American, apple pie, Bacon, bald eagles, baseball, celery salt, Celery Seed, Crackers, creamy, fatty, Food 52, God Bless America, grandma, Granny, grilled cheese, History, Indy Week, Maw-Maw, Me-Maw, Pimento Cheese, Red Clay Gourmet, saucy minx, South, Southern, Stan's Original Pimento Cheese, textile workers, Winston-Salem

Jul 01 2014

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Answering Fan Mail: Bean and Chicken Sausage Stew

One of my loyal readers sent some fan mail with a question to the My Fake Food Blog Fan Club.

(Note: One of my existing, real life friends posted a comment on Facebook asking for me to share a recipe.)

Since I am so benevolent, I won’t disappoint the public. I HAVE to post for Micheal.

(Note: I already emailed her the recipe. But I thought if she wanted the recipe, maybe somebody else might.)

All y’all know I love soup. #SOUPCLUB

I like soup forever and always. I like soup in the fall, winter, spring and yes, even the summer.

I’ve had the Real Simple No Time to Cook app for a long time, but hardly use it. But I was bored with my usual sites for cooking inspiration and I remembered why I downloaded it in the first place. The app looks like this.

via Real Simple “No Time to Cook” app (Duh)

Just plug in what main ingredient you have and how much time you have and at your fingertips is a list of quick meal ideas.

With no ingredients in the house, I plugged in poultry and 20 minutes and came across this recipe for Bean and Chicken Sausage Stew. And then I went shopping for stew ingredients on an 80+ degree day.

But, it’s the kind of thing that you can eat all year long. The broth is light, but this stew is full of delicious, and frankly, healthy stuff. It has tons of kale, which is full of vitamins or whatever. (Actually, kale has calcium and vitamins A, C and K, according to WebMD.) White beans have a ton of protein and fiber. And bread has delicious, delicious carbs.

#SOUPCLUB

One thing to note about this recipe is it requires extra salt. Hardly any is called for and as we all know, food needs salt. Like Matt Saracen needs Julie, like Coach needs Mrs. Coach, like Jason Street needs his wheelchair (#spoileralert), this stew needs salt.

So, loyal readers, please. Go forth and make this stew. And download the Real Simple app. And be sure to write in your questions, comments, compliments whenever you have them.

My assistant will be happy to answer each and every one of them, just as soon as he’s done drawing my bath.

—

Bean and Chicken Stew, adapted from Real Simple

Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 12-ounce package fully cooked chicken sausage links, sliced
2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
1 19-ounce can cannellini beans, rinsed
1 14.5-ounce can low-sodium chicken broth
1 14.5-ounce can diced tomatoes
1 bunch kale leaves, torn into 2-inch pieces
kosher salt and black pepper
1 loaf country bread (optional)

Heat the oil in a large saucepan or Dutch oven over medium heat. Add the sausage and cook, stirring once, until browned, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the garlic and cook for 2 minutes more. Add the beans, broth, and tomatoes and their liquid and bring to a boil. Add the kale and ¼ teaspoon each salt and pepper. Simmer, stirring occasionally, until wilted, 2 to 3 minutes. Taste for seasoning and adjust. Serve with the bread, if using.

Tagged #spoileralert, App, assistant, bath, Bean and Chicken Sausage strew, benevolent, Coach, comments, compliments, fan club, fan mail, fiber, Friday Night Lights, ingredients, Jason Street, Julie Taylor, Matt Saracen, Mrs. Coach, protein, Public, questions, Real Simple, salt, SOUPCLUB, Summer, vitamins, WebMD

Jun 23 2014

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Scrumtrilescent Weeknight Dinner: Braised Moroccan Chicken and Olives

I love food.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Because it’s my blog and I’m allowed to say/do whatever I want.

…I’m gonna do it. Say whatever I want. Ready? READY?!

Butts.

(Grow up, Bethany.)

ANYWAY. I love food. And I love people who love food. And one of the people in my life who loves food is my friend Emily. About once a day one of us asks the other one, “What should I eat for dinner?”

And when I did this last Wednesday, Emily sent me a drool-worthy meal from Food 52: Braised Moroccan Chicken and Olives.

Braised Moroccan Chicken and Olives. Yum.

Um, yum.

Emily introduced me to Food52. It’s a site focused on bringing the people who create the recipes and the people who make the recipes together. It’s really a food community. And by the way, it’s a lovely website. Clean design, easy to browse, easy to search. I wish they had an app, though. (Hey, Food52, make an app!)

So when I asked Emily, “what should I eat for dinner?” She said chicken. And then she sent me this recipe. It’s one of her go to meals, easy enough to do on a weeknight. The Braised Moroccan Chicken and Olives was a contest winner (“Your Best Stew with Olives”…a bit specific, but I’m not mat at it.)

I can see why it’s one of her go-to meals. The meal comes together quickly, easy enough to make when you get home from work. A little bit of prep and a whole lot of reward. Tender chicken, a spicy sauce that just don’t quit, and every once in awhile, a briny olive. Israeli cous cous is the perfect vessel for all the elements, soaking up the sauce and cooling your mouth down (if you are a spice wimp, like me.)

When someone loves food and you love food, you listen to them. They’re never going to steer you wrong. Let you down. Run around. Desert you.

#rickroll via ultradragonball.wikia.com

I’m sorry, I just couldn’t resist. I do what I want.

—

Braised Moroccan Chicken and Olives from Food52

4 tablespoons canola oil
2.5 pounds chicken legs and thighs
Kosher salt
Black pepper
1 ½ cup small diced onion
1 teaspoon minced ginger
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 tablespoon ground coriander
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 ½ teaspoon paprika
½ teaspoon turmeric
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
2- 3 cups chicken stock | I used 2.
¼ teaspoon saffron
½ cup green olives, rinsed
2 preserved lemons, pulp removed; rind cut into strips | I didn’t have this, so I just zested two lemons into the sauce. Which worked just fine!
2 tablespoons chopped cilantro

Heat 2 tablespoons of oil in a Dutch oven or large, deep skillet or over medium high heat. Dry the chicken pieces and season them with salt and pepper. Place them in the skillet in batches and brown on all sides. Remove the chicken and place on a plate.
Add the onion to the skillet and cook until slightly softened. Add the ginger, garlic, coriander, cumin, paprika, turmeric and cayenne pepper and stir together. Add the chicken pieces and stir to coat with the spice mixture. Pour the chicken stock into the skillet so that 2/3 of the chicken is submerged. Add the saffron and stir to combine. Bring liquid to a simmer, cover the skillet and simmer on medium low heat 20-25 minutes. Add the olives and preserved lemons. Cover and cook another 10 minutes or until chicken is cooked through. Remove the chicken and turn the heat to high. Cook for another 6-8 minutes until sauce reduces slightly. Stir in the cilantro. Adjust seasoning to taste.
Serve chicken on a bed of couscous. Spoon sauce over the top. Garnish with cilantro.

Tagged App, Braised Moroccan Chicken with Olives, butts, food, Food 52, go-to, love, Rick Astley, Rick Roll, scrumtrilescent, weeknight dinner, wimp

Jun 17 2014

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Book Club: Literary Snacks for Ladies

There are certain things that only ladies do when they hang out with other ladies.

Talk about boys. “He’s so cute, right? Is he cute? I like him so much. Does he like me? Does he notice that I looked at him a little bit longer than normal today? Cause I did. He should’ve noticed it. It meant a lot to me, and I can’t believe he didn’t notice it. He’s an asshole. I hate him.”
Talk about lady issues. I won’t go into details for all my male readers. And by male readers, I mean my dad. (HI DAD!!!)
Book club.

I’m pretty sure book club is a 100% female activity. Do dudes sit and talk about how they felt when Anna Karenina threw herself in front of the train?*

*I’m fairly well read, but Anna Karenina is not a book I’ve ever read. I’ve seen the Keira Knightley movie version though, so that’s how I know this. And, I’ve seen a Pulitzer Prize winning play about the book…sort of. I’m so fancy. You already know.

Also? Oops. Spoiler Alert.

Anyways, book club is a ladies occupation for ladies.

And this lady (me) hosted her lady book club a few weeks ago.

My friend Nora started the whole book club and, well, I’m glad she did. We’ve read a book I’d heard of but hadn’t gotten to yet (Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn) and read a book that I hadn’t heard of but boy, did it make me cry in the airport (Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala).

But the most recent book club, I hosted. So, I choose the book. It was One More Thing by B.J. Novak (no relation) and it was hilarious. It’s a book of short, humorous essays. Some were dry. Some were almost poignant. But, boy, did they run the gamut. It’s well worth a read. OR, if you’re doing a long car trip, it’s worth downloading and listening to. He’s got an incredible cast of voices like Mindy Kaling, Jason Schwartzman, Rainn Wilson, Emma Thompson, Jenna Fischer and more.

So, what to make for a lady event for ladies?

Well, I like the tortilla española. Why not build a tapas menu? Also, please note, this is a drinking book club, so boozing required.

Tortilla española
Jamon serrano because I cannot find ANY jamon iberico here in America. SIGH.
Spanish cheeses
Apricot and Goat Cheese Bites
Peppadews inspired by Leon’s in Decatur, GA
Pan con Tomate
Olives
Beverages, like Red Sangria and White Sangria

Oh dang.

The apricot and goat cheese bites were the newbies here and #realtalk, they were delicious. And unbelievably simple. Make them right now for whatever lady event you have. I bet even boys would like the salty-sweet combo that they have going on.

Beyond that, sangria is a perfect summer drink. It’s bright and fruity, but has a boozy punch. I gravitate toward the white versus the red, but the red is a much more robust beverage.

I guarantee. This menu? Ladies love it. Girls adore it.

Y’all should trust me because I’m not internationally known, but I’m known to rock the microphone.

—

Absolutely Fabulous Apricot, Goat Cheese and Almond Bites from YumSugar

Ingredients

4 ounces fresh goat cheese, at room temperature
About 2 teaspoons milk
2 tablespoons finely chopped basil leaves
40 dried apricots, preferably blenheim
40 almonds, preferably marcona
2 teaspoons honey

DIRECTIONS

Mix together the cheese and milk with a fork until spreadable. Thin with more milk if necessary. Add the basil and mix until evenly distributed.
Spread a heaping 1/4 teaspoon cheese on each apricot and top each with an almond. Drizzle with honey.

Please note! If not using marcona almonds, substitute roasted salted almonds (the salt is key to the appetizer’s flavor).

Tagged #realtalk, #spoileralert, Anna Karenina, Asshole, B.J. Novak, Bon Appetit, Booze, Boys, cheese, Emma Thompson, Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl, Iggy Azalea, It Takes Two, Jamon Iberico, Jamon Serrano, Jason Schwartzman, Jenna Fischer, Katy Perry, Keira knightley, Ladies, Mindy Kaling, newbies, Pan con tomate, Pulitzer Prize, Rainn Wilson, Sangria, simple, Sonali Deraniyagala, Tortilla E, Wave, YumSugar

Jun 09 2014

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Risky Biscuits: New York City’s Finest Biscuits, Empire Biscuit

I don’t know when I first heard about Empire Biscuit in NYC, but ever since I did, it’s been on my culinary bucket list.

An all biscuit restaurant? I’m sorry, what’s not to like about this place. Biscuits? Good. Stuff on biscuits? EVEN BETTER.

But sometimes, you don’t get to go out to biscuits. Sometimes, the people you’re with want to eat sushi (sort of want) or want banh mi (sort of want) or want to eat salads (the fuck, bro?).

But other times, your best friend wants to eat biscuits with you. And so, you eat biscuits. Laura and I went to Empire Biscuit together. We’d been talking about it. Dreaming. Drooling over the menu together. She’d been a few times before. She even had a regular order (biscuit with fried chicken and pimento cheese). But me? This was my inaugural visit. So I needed to try EVERYTHING.

I got the Scotch Egg biscuit sandwich with cheddar and whole grain mustard. And we split two sammiches that were “meant for each other” (Just like best friends are, RIGHT?!?!?!). The “You-So-Nasty,” which is the best thing to say out loud ever. And the Savory Character, which sounds like someone from a murder mystery. And some cheese grits cause, duh.

This is why I’m hot. And by hot, I mean fat.

But I was scared, y’all. I was really, really scared. Cause what happens when you have biscuits that are made in the north. Who makes northern biscuits? Northerners. That’s who.

When we placed our large order, we terrified the co-owner who was behind the counter by making a bad joke (“we’ll take one of everything!” “…really? Cause that’s happened.”) And then he asked where we were from. I said I was from North Carolina. And he said, “oh, that’s cool. My business partner is from North Carolina.”

Oh, thank GOD. Because the south will rise again. As a light and fluffy biscuit, that is.

Everything we tried was incredible. The You-So-Nasty was honestly the best bite of food I put in my mouth all day. Tart, sweet and creamy with a hint of spice. They even make their hot sauces in house. The attention to detail is excellent. Friendly service, cool people. Shouldn’t be missed.

Laura thinks that they missed a real opportunity to call themselves Risky Biscuits, after the 1983 Thomas Cruise movie “Risky Business.” But after tasting them? There’s nothing risky about these biscuits.

…That sounded a lot cooler in my head, y’all.

Tagged 1983, Best Friends, Empire Biscuit, murder mystery, North Carolina, Northerners, Pimento Cheese, Risky Biscuits, Risky Business, Sammiches, Savory Character, Scotch Egg, The North, The South, Thomas Cruise, Tom Cruise, You-So-Nasty

Jun 06 2014

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Chef: A Movie About Food So It Is On This Blog; Also It’s GREAT

There are book people. There are TV people. There are movie people.

I’m definitely a movie person.

If by movie person, you mean a person who has seen at least one in movie in their lifetime.

I like movies a lot. But I forget when they’re in theatres or I fall asleep when I’m watching them. Admittedly, these are lame reasons. But the movies that I see, I love. Including, but not limited to, Dumb & Dumber.

When I saw the trailer for the movie Chef, I was really excited. 1) I love food. 2) I recently saw Swingers with my framily, Anna and Kevin, and really enjoyed it. (I’m just now getting to movies from 1996. Next up, Sling Blade!) 3) And I love Jon Favreau. C’mon, you know Elf is one of the movies I’ve seen.

My framily and I decided to get a bite at Mission Pizza and see the movie when it opened at Aperture Cinema last weekend. And this was a wise call. This is not a film you can see on an empty stomach.

The movie is terrific. Sure, it’s really focused on the food. The basic storyline is about chef who has a meltdown and reignites his passion by starting a food truck. And the food part of the movie does not disappoint. Jon Favreau partnered with Roy Choi, who is often credited with starting the food truck movement with his Kogi truck out in LA. Fun fact: like Favreau’s Avengers movies, there’s a little bonus clip of Roy Choi mentoring Jon Favreau in how to cook the perfect grilled cheese after the credits roll. A little nerdy, but worth the wait.

Artsy shot of Jon Favreau and Roy Choi via Huffington Post.

The food in the movie will make your jaw drop. Bacon and brisket and roast pork, oh my. But this movie is so much more. It’s about relationships. It’s about overcoming creative stagnancy and unleashing your passion. It’s about family and love. It’s well written, it’s well acted, it’s funny and fun.

When the movie ended, the audience actually clapped (I KNOW!). The lights came up, and Kevin said to Anna and me, “You know, I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t enjoy this movie.”

We all sort of paused and then agreed, “well, maybe vegetarians.”

Go to your favorite restaurant—or be bold and try something new—and then go see this movie. You will not be disappointed. Then go home, make a batch of them French fried potatoes and watch Sling Blade.

Tagged 1996, Aperture Cinema, Avengers, book, brisket, Chef, creativity, El Jefe, Elf, framily, French Fried Potatoes, Huffington Post, Jon Favreau, Kogi, Mission Pizza, Movies, Roy Choi, Sling Blade, stagnancy, Swingers, TV, vegetarians

May 21 2014

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Tortilla Española: Simple, Spanish, Non-Slutty, Eggy Goodness

I can’t remember the first time I ate tortilla española, but I’m sure it was a life changing experience. So life changing, I cannot remember it.

Boom. Joke landed.

But seriously, folks. Tortilla española. Are you familiar with this Spanish delight? It is the simplest food. Egg. Potato. There’s some salt. A LOT of olive oil. Sometimes, people try to add some other shit in. But I’m a bit of a purist. We’ve got a good thing going, baby. Why fuck mess ruin fuck that up?

Tortilla bella.

Now, you’re probably saying to yourself: Self, what is the difference between this dish, and say, a frittata.

Well, let’s start with the obvious: this one is better.

CALM DOWN. Frittatas are excellent. They’re unbelievably versatile. But, they’re incredibly difficult to spell. So, let’s simplify our lives.

The main difference, based on my one Google search my vast experience and knowledge is that a tortilla española must always have egg + potato as a base. A frittata is egg + anything. Frittatas? Kinda slutty. Butternut squash? Cool. Cheese? Whatever, I’ll try anything. Have some self-respect, frittatas.

Before you think that the tortilla española is boring for being basic, I will repeat the thing I keep repeating on this blog: I don’t know what I’m doing.

Ahem.

I will repeat another thing: the simplest food, when executed well, is the best food.

Believe you me. Though simple, it is not a dish for the timid. It requires some real machismo. Particularly when you get to that ever-dicey flip of the tortilla to cook the uncooked top.

Edges are done. Time to flip.

Cover that shit up. Don’t slide, just flip.

You did it. You are the champion!

If done without the proper guts, you will wind up with egg and potato on your floor. But if done with just the right amount of courage (liquid or otherwise), you will come up with a dish that frankly, is just divine.

Your trip to Barcelona is just a bite away.

—

Tortilla Española from Bon Appetit May 2014 issue

1 tablespoon plus 2 cups olive oil
1 medium yellow onion, thinly sliced
Kosher salt
2 medium waxy potatoes (about ¾ lb.), peeled, cut into ¾” pieces | Yukon Gold work well. Also, I think you could get a little thinner than this. My potatoes were downright chunky.
8 large eggs

Heat 1 Tbsp. oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add onion, season with salt, and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened and dark brown, 35–40 minutes. Let cool slightly.

Meanwhile, heat potatoes and remaining 2 cups oil in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat until oil around potatoes begins to bubble; reduce heat to medium and cook until potatoes are tender but have not taken on any color, 10–12 minutes. Drain potatoes, reserving oil. Season potatoes with salt and let cool slightly.

Combine eggs, onion, potatoes, and ¼ cup reserved potato cooking oil in a large bowl and gently beat with a fork.

Heat 3 Tbsp. reserved potato cooking oil in a 10” nonstick skillet over medium heat (reserve remaining oil for another use). Add egg mixture and cook, lifting at edge and tilting skillet to let uncooked egg run underneath, until bottom and edge of tortilla are set but center is still wet.

Set a large plate on top of skillet. Swiftly invert tortilla onto plate, then slide back into skillet, cooked side up. Cook until center is just set, about 2 minutes longer. Cut into wedges.

Tagged Barcelona, Bon Appetit, Egg, frittatas, Google machismo, guts, Jokes, life changing, Olive oil, Potato, purist, salt, self-respect, slutty, Spain, Spanish, spelling, tapas, Tortilla Espanola

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Tortilla Española: Simple, Spanish, Non-Slutty, Eggy Goodness