Jon Hamm | my fake food blog

Jan 04 2017

A Procrastinator’s Guide: New Year’s Resolutions

WELL. Here we are. ~~The end of 2016.~~ The beginning of 2017.

In a lot of ways, 2016 was a mixed bag. It was like a bag of trail mix where you thought you were going to get a lot of M&Ms, but in actuality, you just kept getting raisins.

Nobody wants fuckin’ raisins in their trail mix.

So, as we look forward to 2017 (blissfully ignoring the fact that we are 4 days into the year), I’d like to share some of my New Year’s Resolutions & Goals.

Many of them are food related. Shock of all shocks.

See Dear Evan Hansen
- Note to self: Go on a Friday night.
Eat at Le Bernardin
- For Christmas, my dad bought me Eric Ripert’s memoir, 32 Yolks: From My Mother’s Table to Working the Line. I’m only halfway through it, but it’s been a really wonderful read thus far. His childhood was so happy-sad and his relationship with food has been undeniably transformative. Which is why I’ve gots ta go ta Le Bernardin to eat his food. If you had the opportunity to hear Beethoven play, wouldn’t you? Mmmmmmhmmmm.
- Note to self: Go on a Saturday night. Find someone dashing and funny to share meal. Jon Hamm, probably.
Eat at Russ & Daughters
- Russ & Daughters is a New York landmark that has been around since 1914. In fact, they are celebrating 103 years today. (Happy Anniversarary, Russ & Daughters!) If you’re not familiar, the original location is a shop with the best bagels, smoked fishes, and caviars in all the land. Then, in 2014, they opened their sit down cafe. And then, they opened a restaurant/take away counter in The Jewish Museum. Hell, they even ship their fishes around the country. I will not let 103 more years pass until I eat their food.
- Note to self: Go on a Sunday morning. Take Jon Hamm again.
Go to Hawaii
- Ok, listen. This one is my biggest reach. But, I’ve been talking about going to Hawaii for at least 3 years. It has been stuck in my craw. I need to see where Magnum, P.I. wore his short shorts. I want to get a grass skirt and learn to hula. I want to pretend that I can surf. And I desperately need to eat some shave ice and taro root and literally all the poke.
- Come on.
Bake More Bread
- I made focaccia for the first time for Christmas dinner and it honestly wasn’t great. It had good flavor, but it was dense and it was dry. But I knew where my problems were thanks to my repeated viewings of The Great British Bake Off and I am really excited to try again to see if I can improve. This is my year to play with dough. I knead to. #puns
Be More Peaceful
- Couldn’t we all use a bit more peace and calm in 2017? Cleansing breaths, people.
And last, but not least: Be Open to New Experiences
- Let’s try some new things in 2017. Let’s get weird.

So, in summation: theatre, eat, eat, travel, eat, peace, weird, Jon Hamm.

I don’t know about you, but 2017 sounds like it’s shaping up to be a pretty good year.

Tagged 2017, 32 Yolks: From My Mother's Table to Working the Line, Beethoven, blintzes, Bread, Christmas, Dear Evan Hansen, Eric Ripert, focaccia, Goals, Hamm and Buble, Hawaii, Il Cantore, Jewish Deli, Jon Hamm, Late Night with Seth Meyers, Le Bernardin, Magnum PI, matzo ball soup, New Year's Resolutions, open, peace, poke, Procrastination, puns, raisins, Resolutions, Russ & Daughters, Saturday Night Live, shave ice, SNL, taro root, The Great British Bake Off, The Jewish Museum, Tom Selleck, trail mix

Jun 16 2015

2 Comments

Condiments, Media

Podcast Roundup: Gringo Bandito Hot Sauce

If I had to break down the percentage of topics of my non-work conversation, it would probably go something like this:

70%: Food
15%: Podcasts
5%: Netflix
5%: Naps
5%: Other, including but not limited to Jon Hamm, the john, ham, Jon Hamm’s John Hamm, etc.

Food is a given, as are Jon Hamm and naps, but I’ve become a huge fan of podcasts. They’re a wonderful way to pass the time when you need a little entertainment. Out on a walk? Throw on a podcast! Driving to a place? Throw on a podcast! Prepping your meez? You see the pattern here, people.

There are all sorts of podcasts for your listening pleasure, but here are my go-tos.

The Nerdist Podcast: Chris Hardwick (stand up comedian and former Singled Out Host) and his besties/fellow comedians, Jonah Ray and Matt Mira, co-host. They have wonderfully weird and funny conversations with celebrities and each other. Kyle Clarke, Katie Levine and Scout the dog join in and hilarity ensues.
- Favorite episodes include: Thomas Middleditch, Andrea Romano, and Mitch Hurwitz. The Hostfuls are my true favorites, but check those out once you’ve gotten to know the hosts.
Wits: Have you guys ever listened to Prairie Home Companion? Wits is like Prairie Home Companion if Prairie Home Companion had better writing, funnier guests and cooler musical artists. I don’t hate Prairie Home Companion or anything. I just adore Wits. John Moe hosts this delightfully oddball variety show.
- Favorite episodes include: Jim Gaffigan with Reggie Watts and Thao Nguyen, Audience Choice Show 2014, Kristen Schaal with Typhoon
WTF with Marc Maron: I resisted this one for awhile, but a friend recommended and I fell for it. Marc Maron is a comic who takes long form conversations to a new level. His honesty is charming and disarming and it allows his guests to really share with him. It feels like you’re listening in on someone’s therapy. Notable episodes are: Terry Gross, Henry Winkler, Remembering Harris Wittels
The Thrilling Adventure Hour: Fans of old time-y radio and kitschy things will love this silly, delightful show. It’s a serialized radio show that follows among others a a society couple that seed ghosts and the marshall on Mars. All the comedians ever are on this thing. Notable episodes are: all of them. The new episodes end in August, but there are 250 episodes to go back to and enjoy.

Now you’re probably wondering: what the actual fuck does this have to do with food?

Well, I LISTEN to them during cooking. Which how I sometimes fuck up cooking. Look at how I messed up my buns.

Not MY buns. These hamburger buns. My buns are great. WINK.

To a crisp.

The cool part about a podcast is that you never know what you’ll learn. Even if you have preconceived notions about the guest, you might learn something really cool. For example: a recent Nerdist episode featured Dexter Holland. You might not know his name, but you probably know his work. He’s the lead singer of the bang The Offspring. They’re still touring (who knew?) but he’s also getting his PHD in molecular biology studying HIV (wait, WHAT?!) This conversation was fascinating. The most interesting thing is that this guy is curious about so many things. He didn’t know how to play music when he started his first band. He loves science so he started pursuing science. And he wanted to play music and continue studying science, so he did both.

And this is how he made a hot sauce. He’s passionate about hot sauce. So he decided to make one. You know, as you do.

Yeah. That’s him on the bottle.

It’s a nice hot sauce for casual hot sauce consumption. It’s say it has a similar heat level to a Tabasco. Unlike a Tabasco, it’s much more of pepper-forward vs. vinegar-forward. It was a nice kick of heat, but it didn’t blow out my palate.

So, I salute you, Dexter Holland. Your hot sauce is solid. Your scientific research is baller. And your music is a major earworm.

That’s pretty fly for a white guy.

OH, YOU SAW IT COMING.

—

Gringo Bandito Hot Sauce is available at most grocery stores and online. Try it on tacos, eggs, and all the things. Eat it while listening to The Nerdist podcast and enjoy your burrito, folks.

—

P.S. There are some food podcasts that I’ve started exploring. More on that to come.

Tagged Andrea Romano, Beyond Belief, buns, celebrities, Chris Hardwick, comedian, cooking, Dexter Holland, Enjoy Your Burrito, entertainment, food, Gringo Bandito, ham, Harris Wittels, Henry Winkler, HIV, Hostful, hot sauce, innuendo, inyourendo, Jim Gaffigan, John Moe, Jon Hamm, Jon Hamm's John Ham, Jonah Ray, Katie Levine, kitsch, Kristen Schaal, Kyle Clarke, Marc Maron, Matt Mira, meez, mise en place, Mitch Hurwitz, molecular biology, music, naps, Netflix, PHD, podcasts, Prairie Home Companion, Reggie Watts, science, Scout, Serial, Singled Out, Sparks Nevada, Tabasco, Terry Gross, Thao Nguyen, The Fonz, the john, The Nerdist Podcast, The Offspring, The Thrilling Adventure Hour, therapy, Thomas Middleditch, Typhoon, wink, Wits, WTF with Marc Maron

Jul 25 2014

Christmas in July: Lechon (Puerto Rican Pork)

If ever I’m in prison and getting the death penalty and I have to have my last meal, I already know what I’d choose.

(This assumes that Jon Hamm worship is now a crime punishable by death, btw.)

If I am punished for the heinous crime of Jon Hamm worship, then I know how I’d like to spend my last meal: eating my mother’s Puerto Rican roast pork, also known as lechon.

This pork, y’all. This pork is even sexier than Jon Hamm (somehow). It’s got everything you’re looking for in a roast. It’s got chicharrones (crispy pig skin). It’s got tender, flavorful meat. It’s covered in human tin foil.

What’s human tinfoil?

It’s that thing where a midget paints himself silver and does downward facing dog over the pork shoulder.

…Was that joke TOO ridiculous? I just made a Stefon-esque roast pork joke. Admittedly, it’s a long way to go for a ham sandwich.

Anyways, this pork is incredible. When my friend Alison planned a Christmas in July party and asked me to do the meat, I knew I had to bring my show-stopping dish.

Christmas in July is a fun occasion to eat holiday food in the middle of the summer. Christmas is so far away, but if you’re really being honest with yourself, you’re always thinking about stuffing. And mashed potatoes. And roasted meats. (At least, Alison/Anna/Jennie/Becca and I were.)

So, everyone showed up to Alison’s house, where she’d hung the stockings by the chimney with care.

Merry Christmas!

We drank whisky/gingers, listened to the Vince Guaraldi Trio and made sure our meal was properly documented.

The Meal

Anna Documenting The Meal

We also referenced the holidays/Christmas as often as we could. For example:

Becca: Today was a crazy day.

Me: Things can be tough around the holidays.

If you’re in the market for a dish to wow a crowd, this is one you need to make. This pork has such an insane amount of flavor that permeates the whole dish. It’s salty and herbaceous, with a hint of tang from the vinegar. The chicharrones are not to be discarded, but fought over. Crunchy and fatty. It’s better than the best bacon. And when you pair that with the juicy meat?

Well, you realize that it really is the most wonderful time of the year.

Oh…dang.

—

Roasted Pork Shoulder, adapted from Tyler Florence from FoodNetwork.com

1 boneless pork shoulder (about 9 pounds), skin on
8 garlic cloves
1 large handful fresh oregano
4 tablespoons Kosher salt
2 tablespoons black peppercorns
6 tablespoons vegetable oil
4 tablespoons distilled white vinegar

Place the pork, fat-side up, in a roasting pan, and using a sharp knife, stab small slits (seriously) the surface of the meat and the skin. Mash the garlic, oregano, salt, and peppercorns into a paste using the back of a knife or a mortar and pestle. Place the adobo (the paste) in a bowl and stir in the oil and vinegar. Rub the garlic paste all over the pork, being sure to get into the incisions so the salt can penetrate the meat and pull out the moisture. Cover the pork with plastic wrap and marinate in the refrigerator for at least 3 hours or up to overnight.

Note: Save yourself some trouble and put the whole roasting pan in an unscented garbage trash bag and put it in the fridge. That’s how my mom has always done it.

It’s just easier.

Allow the meat to sit at room temperature for 30 minutes before cooking. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.

Roast the pork for 1 hour, uncovered, until the skin is crispy-brown. Be sure to roast it skin side up.

Turn the oven down to 325 and roast for 2 more hours. Internal temperature should be between 150 and 160 degrees F.

Let the meat rest on a cutting board for 15 minutes before slicing. Break the skin into chicarron pieces and serve with the meat.

Tagged adapted, chicharones, Christmas in July, death penalty, Food Network, Holiday Parties, human tinfoil, Jon Hamm, Jon Hamm worship, lechon, pork, ridiculous, show-stopper, Stefon, stockings, Tyler Florence, Vince Guaraldi trio, wonderful time of the year, wow

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Tag Archives: Jon Hamm

A Procrastinator’s Guide: New Year’s Resolutions

Podcast Roundup: Gringo Bandito Hot Sauce

Christmas in July: Lechon (Puerto Rican Pork)