my fake food blog

I don’t know when I first heard about Empire Biscuit in NYC, but ever since I did, it’s been on my culinary bucket list.

An all biscuit restaurant? I’m sorry, what’s not to like about this place. Biscuits? Good. Stuff on biscuits? EVEN BETTER.

But sometimes, you don’t get to go out to biscuits. Sometimes, the people you’re with want to eat sushi (sort of want) or want banh mi (sort of want) or want to eat salads (the fuck, bro?).

But other times, your best friend wants to eat biscuits with you. And so, you eat biscuits. Laura and I went to Empire Biscuit together. We’d been talking about it. Dreaming. Drooling over the menu together. She’d been a few times before. She even had a regular order (biscuit with fried chicken and pimento cheese). But me? This was my inaugural visit. So I needed to try EVERYTHING.

I got the Scotch Egg biscuit sandwich with cheddar and whole grain mustard. And we split two sammiches that were “meant for each other” (Just like best friends are, RIGHT?!?!?!). The “You-So-Nasty,” which is the best thing to say out loud ever. And the Savory Character, which sounds like someone from a murder mystery. And some cheese grits cause, duh.

This is why I’m hot. And by hot, I mean fat.

But I was scared, y’all. I was really, really scared. Cause what happens when you have biscuits that are made in the north. Who makes northern biscuits? Northerners. That’s who.

When we placed our large order, we terrified the co-owner who was behind the counter by making a bad joke (“we’ll take one of everything!” “…really? Cause that’s happened.”) And then he asked where we were from.  I said I was from North Carolina. And he said, “oh, that’s cool. My business partner is from North Carolina.”

Oh, thank GOD. Because the south will rise again. As a light and fluffy biscuit, that is.

Everything we tried was incredible. The You-So-Nasty was honestly the best bite of food I put in my mouth all day. Tart, sweet and creamy with a hint of spice. They even make their hot sauces in house. The attention to detail is excellent. Friendly service, cool people. Shouldn’t be missed.

Laura thinks that they missed a real opportunity to call themselves Risky Biscuits, after the 1983 Thomas Cruise movie “Risky Business.” But after tasting them? There’s nothing risky about these biscuits.

…That sounded a lot cooler in my head, y’all.