salt | my fake food blog

May 27 2015

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Grill, Salad

Not Clickbait: 74 Reasons to Grill Your Salad

74 Reasons to Grill Your Salad

1. It tastes good.

2. It tastes, like, really good.

3. It’s summer, so that’s a reason.

4. Bon Appetit’s editor said to do it. Bon Appetit is like Oprah. If they say to do it, you should do it.

5. Vegetables are good! Fire is good! Put them together, even better!

6. Salads are good! Grills are good! Put them together, even better!

7. How many do I have left? Oh, for fuck’s sake.

8. You can do all kinds of salads on the grill. Like this sexy lady. Steak and grilled scallions and beets and stuff. A real show stopper. Frankly, I ate most of this myself.

Wut.

9. And this one, with my funky fresh friend anchovy paste. Cause funk is good! Salt is good! Put them together, even better!

Uptown funk you up no that was stupid pretend I didn't do that.

Uptown funk you up no that was stupid pretend I didn’t say that.

10. And this salad that I made up with fresh seasonal veggies and eat alongside the world’s largest burger. (If only someone had seen me unhinge my jaw to eat it like the true basilisk that I am.)

Salad and burger, a match made in heaven.

I also took a picture of it on the grill. I left my shadow in there so you knew i was really taking the picture.

11. Ok, that had to be about 70 reasons.

12. Wow. Not there yet? I guess I’ll keep going.

13. It’s this list satire funny yet?

14. What about now?

15. Or now?

16. I love running a joke into the ground til it’s so unfunny that it becomes funny again.

17. Probably isn’t funny again yet.

18. Probably not yet either.

19. The thing is, I’m tired of all the clickbait out there. And I’m tired of the things that pass as journalism. Without perspective or POV or writing style. Or humor.

20. ….it’s a little funny now though, right?

21. The long and the short of it is, the grill adds a different dimension to your veg. Sweetness in corn is amplified tenfold. It adds smoke to everything, but somehow more to asparagus. It adds char. It adds heat and warmth. Suddenly, you have new temperatures to play with as well as textures in your salad.

22. So don’t be afraid to mix it up. You will undoubtably find something excited.

23-73. More grilled salad recipes

74. Eh? Sort of funny?

—

Grilled Steak Salad with Beets from Bon Appetit

Aioli:

½ cup beef or chicken stock or low-sodium chicken broth
1 large egg yolk*
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
½ cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice
1 small garlic clove, finely grated
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Salad:

1 pound tri-tip, New York strip, or skirt steak
1 garlic clove, halved
4 tablespoons olive oil, divided
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 bunch scallions or ramps
1 bunch spicy greens (such as arugula or mizuna)
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
3 beets, peeled, thinly sliced
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar

For Aioli:

Bring stock to a simmer in a small saucepan over medium-low heat; cook until reduced by half, about 5 minutes.Whisk egg yolk and mustard in a bowl. Whisking constantly, gradually add oil, drop by drop at first, until mixture is very thick. Whisk in lemon juice and garlic; season with salt and pepper. Stir in stock.

For Salahd:

Preheat oven to 200°. Prepare grill for medium-high heat (or heat a grill pan over medium-high). Rub steak with cut sides of garlic and 1 Tbsp. oil; season with salt and pepper. Grill, turning several times, until lightly charred and medium-rare (an instant-read thermometer should register 130°), 14–16 minutes. Transfer to a rack set inside a rimmed baking sheet.

Meanwhile, toss scallions on another baking sheet with 1 Tbsp. oil; season with salt and pepper. Grill, turning often, until tender, about 4 minutes. Transfer to rack with beef and keep warm in oven.

Arrange greens on a platter; season with salt and pepper. Drizzle with lemon juice and 1 Tbsp. oil. Toss beets in a bowl with vinegar and remaining 1 Tbsp. oil; season with salt and pepper. Arrange over greens. Slice steak ½” thick; top greens with scallions and meat. Pour any juices over; season with salt. Serve with aioli.

*Raw egg is not recommended for the elderly, pregnant women, children under 4, and people with weakened immune systems.

—

Grilled Romaine Salad from FoodNetwork

2 heads romaine lettuce
Extra-virgin olive oil
Citrus Caesar Vinaigrette, recipe follows
Parmigiano-Reggiano

Citrus Caesar Vinaigrette:

1 clove garlic, minced
1 tablespoon grated lemon zest
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice (from 1 to 2 lemons)
2 tablespoons anchovy paste | I used anchovy filets minced.
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar
2/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil

Directions
Preheat a grill to medium-high.

Rinse and pat dry the lettuce. Cut the 2 heads in half lengthwise. Brush surface with olive oil and grill about 4 to 5 minutes total, turning occasionally. Place each wedge on a salad plate and drizzle with Citrus Caesar Vinaigrette or your favorite Caesar dressing. With a vegetable peeler, shave some pieces from a wedge of Reggiano-Parmigiano over each salad and serve.

Citrus Caesar Vinaigrette:
Place all ingredients in a pint jar with a lid. Secure the lid, then shake to blend. Store, covered, in the refrigerator for up to a week.

—

Grilled Corn, Asparagi & Cherry Tomato Salad

2 ears of corn
1 bunch of asparagus
Cherry Tomatoes on the vine
1/2 vidalia onion, diced
Olive oil
Red Wine Vinegar
Salt
Pepper

Rub corn, asparagus, and cherry tomatoes with olive oil. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Char on the grill to your desired charification. 6-7 minutes for the corn and asparagus. 3-4 minutes for the tomatoes, until they burst. Toss with the diced onion, drizzle with olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt and pepper to taste. Eat it up.

Tagged America's Funniest Home Videos, asparagi, AVF, basilisk, beets, Bob Saget, Bon Appetit, charification, cherry tomatoes, clickbait, FoodNetwork.com, funky, Grill, humor, journalism, Oprah, POV, Salad, salt, scallions, Steak, Vegetables, writing style

Apr 28 2015

Cookie Snobbery: Momofuku Milkbar Cookie Mixes

My name is Bethany Novak. And I am a snob.

No, not a snob for everything. I mean, I love my butler just as much as I love my housemaids. But they are NOT to look at me in the eyes.

Truth is, I am a cookie snob. I typically find that packaged cookie mixes are sub-par.

I know, I know. Fire up the stakes. Let’s burn the witch.

I was walking through Target on Saturday morning, wearing my Toronto Blue Jays hat, and playing a game where I make up player names in case someone ever asked me who my favorite player is. My latest one is Mark St. Clair. He was a 3rd baseman in the 90s. Had a .400 batting average. He is not real.

Anyway, I was walking up and down the aisles of Target without a list, which is really dangerous. You can spend a lot of money in there. But when you wander unencumbered by a list, hidden in the shadows of your Blue Jays hat, you make phenomenal discoveries. I stumbled upon Momofuku Milk Bar cookie mixes.

If you do not know Momofuku Milk Bar, you do now. It’s the bakery part of the Momofuku family of restaurants, which is based in NYC, and it’s delightful. It’s incredibly whimsical and yet nostalgic, but also so simple. Flavors straight out of childhood (or straight out of a smoky hotbox).

I’m a bit too familiar with the Milk Bar website for my own good. I bought some cookies and truffles as Christmas gifts this year. But I didn’t realize they sold these mixes at Target.

I started with the Compost Cookie, one of their signature flavors. Like other Target versions of haute brands, this product is a bit cheaper than you would get it on the Milk Bar site ($6.99 vs. $16.00). But you actually get a bit more cookie for your buck. A package from Target makes a dozen. The box from the Milk Bar site makes 9. Curious.

But what is not compromised in the slightest is the flavor. I’ve had the cookies from the bakery and they taste identical to the ones that I made in my kitchen this weekend. So, I stand corrected. Some cookie mixes can live up to the real thing. Mea culpa.

Compost Cookie, a tableau

My friend Natalie saw my Instagram post about the mixes on Saturday and requested “a review with photos and lots of adjectives.” So without further ado, this is for you, Natalie. And anyone else who managed to make it through all the “jokes” to the point of the post.

Ok, adjectives. Um. Well. Yikes. Ok. These cookies are good. Err, no. They’re delicious.

No, those are fluff words that mean squat. Has watching Alton Brown taught me nothing??!

These cookies are perplexing. You shouldn’t want to like them but you do. They shouldn’t make sense but they do. They’re sweet. They’re super sweet. Chocolate chips and butterscotch chips combined put it almost over the edge. But then you come across the potato chips and the pretzels, which give a much-needed punch of salt. It’s a well-balanced cookie.

Mix it up

It’s also a cookie that is has great texture, almost like a granola bar. The crunchy pretz, the flaky chip, the thick oats. For all the stuff that is in it, it is packed full of flavor, but finishes really light. The cookies bake up soft in the middle, but caramelized on the edges.

I’m not mad at it.

This would be the cookie your grandma would make if you got your grandma kinda high. And everybody would love them. Regular grandma. High grandma. Kids. Adults.

Even the recovering snobs among us.

—

Momofuku Mixes are available at many but not all Target stores and on Target.com.

Check out Momofuku Milk Bar for their whole line of products. They ship pies, cakes, cookies, trufflies, mixes, cookbooks, etc. Word on the street is that the truffles are the tits.

Tagged 1990s, 3rd Baseman, 90s, adjectives, bakery, butler, butterscotch, childhood, chocolate, Christmas, cookie, cookie snob, Cookies, delicious, good, grandma, High Grandma, hotbox, housemaid, Instagram, list, Mark St. Clair, Milk Bar, Momofuku, monty python, nostalgic, perplexing, photos, Potato Chips, pretz, pretzel, salt, snob, stakes, Target, Target.com, The Tits, Toronto Blue Jays, whimsical, witch

Jul 01 2014

Answering Fan Mail: Bean and Chicken Sausage Stew

One of my loyal readers sent some fan mail with a question to the My Fake Food Blog Fan Club.

(Note: One of my existing, real life friends posted a comment on Facebook asking for me to share a recipe.)

Since I am so benevolent, I won’t disappoint the public. I HAVE to post for Micheal.

(Note: I already emailed her the recipe. But I thought if she wanted the recipe, maybe somebody else might.)

All y’all know I love soup. #SOUPCLUB

I like soup forever and always. I like soup in the fall, winter, spring and yes, even the summer.

I’ve had the Real Simple No Time to Cook app for a long time, but hardly use it. But I was bored with my usual sites for cooking inspiration and I remembered why I downloaded it in the first place. The app looks like this.

via Real Simple “No Time to Cook” app (Duh)

Just plug in what main ingredient you have and how much time you have and at your fingertips is a list of quick meal ideas.

With no ingredients in the house, I plugged in poultry and 20 minutes and came across this recipe for Bean and Chicken Sausage Stew. And then I went shopping for stew ingredients on an 80+ degree day.

But, it’s the kind of thing that you can eat all year long. The broth is light, but this stew is full of delicious, and frankly, healthy stuff. It has tons of kale, which is full of vitamins or whatever. (Actually, kale has calcium and vitamins A, C and K, according to WebMD.) White beans have a ton of protein and fiber. And bread has delicious, delicious carbs.

#SOUPCLUB

One thing to note about this recipe is it requires extra salt. Hardly any is called for and as we all know, food needs salt. Like Matt Saracen needs Julie, like Coach needs Mrs. Coach, like Jason Street needs his wheelchair (#spoileralert), this stew needs salt.

So, loyal readers, please. Go forth and make this stew. And download the Real Simple app. And be sure to write in your questions, comments, compliments whenever you have them.

My assistant will be happy to answer each and every one of them, just as soon as he’s done drawing my bath.

—

Bean and Chicken Stew, adapted from Real Simple

Ingredients

1 tablespoon olive oil
1 12-ounce package fully cooked chicken sausage links, sliced
2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
1 19-ounce can cannellini beans, rinsed
1 14.5-ounce can low-sodium chicken broth
1 14.5-ounce can diced tomatoes
1 bunch kale leaves, torn into 2-inch pieces
kosher salt and black pepper
1 loaf country bread (optional)

Heat the oil in a large saucepan or Dutch oven over medium heat. Add the sausage and cook, stirring once, until browned, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in the garlic and cook for 2 minutes more. Add the beans, broth, and tomatoes and their liquid and bring to a boil. Add the kale and ¼ teaspoon each salt and pepper. Simmer, stirring occasionally, until wilted, 2 to 3 minutes. Taste for seasoning and adjust. Serve with the bread, if using.

Tagged #spoileralert, App, assistant, bath, Bean and Chicken Sausage strew, benevolent, Coach, comments, compliments, fan club, fan mail, fiber, Friday Night Lights, ingredients, Jason Street, Julie Taylor, Matt Saracen, Mrs. Coach, protein, Public, questions, Real Simple, salt, SOUPCLUB, Summer, vitamins, WebMD

May 21 2014

2 Comments

Uncategorized

Tortilla Española: Simple, Spanish, Non-Slutty, Eggy Goodness

I can’t remember the first time I ate tortilla española, but I’m sure it was a life changing experience. So life changing, I cannot remember it.

Boom. Joke landed.

But seriously, folks. Tortilla española. Are you familiar with this Spanish delight? It is the simplest food. Egg. Potato. There’s some salt. A LOT of olive oil. Sometimes, people try to add some other shit in. But I’m a bit of a purist. We’ve got a good thing going, baby. Why fuck mess ruin fuck that up?

Tortilla bella.

Now, you’re probably saying to yourself: Self, what is the difference between this dish, and say, a frittata.

Well, let’s start with the obvious: this one is better.

CALM DOWN. Frittatas are excellent. They’re unbelievably versatile. But, they’re incredibly difficult to spell. So, let’s simplify our lives.

The main difference, based on my one Google search my vast experience and knowledge is that a tortilla española must always have egg + potato as a base. A frittata is egg + anything. Frittatas? Kinda slutty. Butternut squash? Cool. Cheese? Whatever, I’ll try anything. Have some self-respect, frittatas.

Before you think that the tortilla española is boring for being basic, I will repeat the thing I keep repeating on this blog: I don’t know what I’m doing.

Ahem.

I will repeat another thing: the simplest food, when executed well, is the best food.

Believe you me. Though simple, it is not a dish for the timid. It requires some real machismo. Particularly when you get to that ever-dicey flip of the tortilla to cook the uncooked top.

Edges are done. Time to flip.

Cover that shit up. Don’t slide, just flip.

You did it. You are the champion!

If done without the proper guts, you will wind up with egg and potato on your floor. But if done with just the right amount of courage (liquid or otherwise), you will come up with a dish that frankly, is just divine.

Your trip to Barcelona is just a bite away.

—

Tortilla Española from Bon Appetit May 2014 issue

1 tablespoon plus 2 cups olive oil
1 medium yellow onion, thinly sliced
Kosher salt
2 medium waxy potatoes (about ¾ lb.), peeled, cut into ¾” pieces | Yukon Gold work well. Also, I think you could get a little thinner than this. My potatoes were downright chunky.
8 large eggs

Heat 1 Tbsp. oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add onion, season with salt, and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened and dark brown, 35–40 minutes. Let cool slightly.

Meanwhile, heat potatoes and remaining 2 cups oil in a medium saucepan over medium-high heat until oil around potatoes begins to bubble; reduce heat to medium and cook until potatoes are tender but have not taken on any color, 10–12 minutes. Drain potatoes, reserving oil. Season potatoes with salt and let cool slightly.

Combine eggs, onion, potatoes, and ¼ cup reserved potato cooking oil in a large bowl and gently beat with a fork.

Heat 3 Tbsp. reserved potato cooking oil in a 10” nonstick skillet over medium heat (reserve remaining oil for another use). Add egg mixture and cook, lifting at edge and tilting skillet to let uncooked egg run underneath, until bottom and edge of tortilla are set but center is still wet.

Set a large plate on top of skillet. Swiftly invert tortilla onto plate, then slide back into skillet, cooked side up. Cook until center is just set, about 2 minutes longer. Cut into wedges.

Tagged Barcelona, Bon Appetit, Egg, frittatas, Google machismo, guts, Jokes, life changing, Olive oil, Potato, purist, salt, self-respect, slutty, Spain, Spanish, spelling, tapas, Tortilla Espanola

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Tag Archives: salt

Not Clickbait: 74 Reasons to Grill Your Salad

Answering Fan Mail: Bean and Chicken Sausage Stew

Tortilla Española: Simple, Spanish, Non-Slutty, Eggy Goodness