I don’t believe in any one breakfast. I do believe that breakfast exists, though. Perhaps I am breaknogstic.
Yeah…that doesn’t sound as good.
I’ve been on a real yogurt kick lately. This was after a serious granola kick, an avocado toast kick, and a granola bar kick. You’d think I was a Rockette. #dadjoke
But what yogurt to eat? There are so many choices. So, when I was at the Fresh Market last week and decided to buy 5 yogurt brands that I’ve never tried before and test them out for you.
YOU’RE WELCOME.
(One time, I said something silly to a friend and then said, “you’re welcome.” And his reply was “I did not say thank you.” Couldn’t be mad at it.)
I tried some yogurt so you didn’t have to. Say your prayers, people, and forgive me. My stream of consciousness is below.
It was really hard to keep the yogurts from rolling away during this picture.
Saw this yogurt on Ana Gasteyer’s Instagram. We’re basically best friends.
It smells sort of like Thanksgiving. I’m sort of excited. Sort of scared. I feel like Jessie Spano.
It tastes good. A bit tart in the finish. It walks the line between sweet and savory.
It’s kind of weird. I sort of gagged on the first spoonful, thus bringing to life the phrase “gag me with a spoon.” It’s so weird to have butternut squash in this super creamy, dairy vehicle. But, it kind of tasted good. I’m conflicted.
Try again? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. Maybe in a savory application.
It’s low fat yogurt, made with nonfat milk. Is it going to be wimpy?
Yeahhhhh. It’s sort of wimpy. It’s light, it’s creamy. But I’m not sated. It feels like snack yogurt. But it’s good.
Try again? Sure, why not.
The Epic Seed, Greek Yogurt with Chia Seeds in Peach
I am the most apprehensive about this one, but…I really rather like it. WHO KNEW! I’d never had chia seeds before.
The texture of these fruity seedy things reminds me of fish roe. Snappy with a bit of a bite, but the flavor is the opposite of fishy. Light and fruity. Great textural and flavor complement to the Greek yogurt.
Growing up as a small child (yes, at one time this six-foot-tall lady was a small child) (and I suppose everyone grows up as a small child) (can you use this many parentheses this close together?) (and now punctuation?)
Ahem.
Growing up as a small child, I loved a television show with all of my heart. You may have heard of it. It was the smash hit show called Full House.
Of course, as a small child, I called it the wrong thing. I called it ‘The Little Girl Show.’
I know, I know.
Cut It Out
I’m sorry, did I say that I LOVED Full House? I mean, I still currently love it.
The bond between Danny, Uncle Jesse and Joey (he is NOT Uncle Joey, you IDIOTS) is undeniable. And the sacrifices that Jesse and Joey made in their lives to help raise those girls after Pamela died…
I know I sound silly. But I love that show, as do many others, and tons of other shows from our childhood. Perfect Strangers. Family Matters. Growing Pains. Bad though they may be, they still hold a place in our hearts. (Also, Full House isn’t bad.)
You have to believe that I was trepidatious when I heard that Dannon’s Oikos was going to reunite the men of Full House for a Super Bowl spot this year. I’ve loved John Stamos from afar for so long, but the previous Oikos spots have been, well, witless.
So, when Oikos pre-released their SuperBowl spot and I watched it and I was confused. Here it is for you.
I had so many thoughts.
1) You’re a yogurt company. Why are you pre-releasing your Super Bowl spot? Also, you did a teaser, too. And a website. I hope to God you have the full cast reuniting for the actual spot that airs. Because if this is it? Yikes.
2) Also, the best part of the SuperBowl is the commercials. Why prematurely ejaculate all of your creativity a week before the big night? But, I digress.
3) Oh, Oikos. Are you trying to be the sexy Greek yogurt? Is that why you have John Stamos in your spots? The Greek yogurt you don’t feel naughty about after a night in the sack? I ask this because that is a steamy kiss and…I’m sorry, was she about to….lick your pants, sir? LICK THE YOGURT OFF OF YOUR PANTS, SIR? WHAT ARE WE INSINUATING WITHOUT ANY SUBTLETY AT ALL????
4) The rest of the spot? I dunno. I think it was underwhelming. These dudes have been best friends for literally decades and that’s the best you got? And if you’re going for an in-joke from a TV show, go for it. Get B. Saget in the Danny Tanner uniform and have him cleaning a vacuum with a dust buster. Get Joey with Mr. Woodchuck. Gimme a Kimmy Gibbler on a unicycle. But this was halfway and did not play on my nostalgia so much as upset it.
What do I know, though? Maybe I don’t know anything about advertising. (I do, though.) Or about Full House. (I DO though.) I mean, I only cried when the series finale was aired on May 23, 1995.
….and I cried again when I watched in on TVLand like a month ago.
I suppose I’m saying one’s nostalgia has to be protected. A generation’s collective memories cherished and preserved. And when they are trotted out to sell a product (as I know they will be), let them be treated lovingly.
And not with a spraybottle and a cum joke.
All in the name of yogurt.
UPDATE!!
Now, THIS is how you do Full House. Thank you, Jimmy.
Yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day. Naturally, I was craving all of my favorite Irish foods: barbecue, cole slaw, and lemon yogurt cake.
Now, before you start throwing you blarney stones at me, I have an EXPLANATION.
The weather on Saturday was damn near flawless. It was 70. I wore flip flops. I wore a tank top. I ate dinner on the patio of a restaurant. ON THE GD PATIO.
And despite the fact that St. Patrick’s Day turned colder and I should’ve been seasonally celebrating the aforementioned St. Patrick, who did…a thing…for which he will always be remembered, I was not craving anything Irish. As much I love some corned beef and cabbage, the only thing Irish I was craving was Tom Branson.
He’s dreamy.
HASHTAG YUM
Anyways. Warm weather! (That went away and became cold weather!) Delicious barbecue! (That was made indoors and is made of chicken and not porks!)
When you’re needing the south in your mouth (…ew….), who better to turn to than Paula Deen? She seems really nice and also, a little bit terrifying at the same time. Let me prove the terrifying point to you right now.
Um? I’m kind of terrified of Oprah, too.
I rarely crave cole slaw. But when I do, I fiend for it like an extra on The Wire. This recipe is from the Sandwich King, Jeff Mauro, who won Next Food Network Star a few years back. I prefer to think of him coming to his title as Sandwich King by more traditional means, having ascended to the throne of Sandwichlandia when is father finally succumbed to the delicious, yet fatal, pastrami-thelioma.
….that joke sure was a long way to go for a ham sandwich.
EH??!?!?
Never mind.
This sandwich is good. And simple. The sweetness of the barbecue matches up well with the cool (temperature) of the cole slaw, with a tiny heat (spice) from the sriracha. Plus, you can’t go wrong with the earthy flavor of celery seeds. Cause bonus, they WILL always get in your teeth.
I also made this Lemon Yogurt Cake by my best friend Ina Garten. Because, well, she’s great at everything. Everything except making things that are low in fat or calories. In the paragraph about this recipe in Barefoot Contressa at Home, she says that because it has no butter, it’s a lighter version of a lemon cake. Huzzah! The replacement for the butter is whole milk yogurt (healthy!) and vegetable oil (…um….). Plus, it still has plenty of sugar in the cake and essentially two glazes. I’m not convinced it’s any more healthy unless you just want to say “well, there’s NO butter in this cake. Isn’t that marvelous!” But it DOES taste good, especially with a cup of coffee. For breakfast.
HASHTAG BREAKFAST CAKE.
It was a lovely St. Patrick’s Day. Even though I didn’t wear any green. Or eat any colcannon. I’m gonna save that shit for the 4th of July.
—
Pulled Barbecue Chicken Sandwich, From Pauladeen.com
2 pounds boneless skinless chicken thighs
2 tablespoons canola oil
1 onion, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
3 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1 cup ketchup
½ cup water
2 tablespoons light brown sugar
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
6 whole-wheat hamburger rolls
Coleslaw, optional, but….make that shit mandatory
Season the chicken thighs on both sides with salt and pepper. Heat oil in a large high-sided skillet over medium high heat. Once it shimmers, add the chicken thighs and sear until golden brown, about 4 minutes on each side. Remove to a plate. Add onion and garlic and sauté until tender, about 3 minutes. Stir in apple cider vinegar; using a wooden spoon stir up any browned bits on the bottom of the pan. Add ketchup, water, brown sugar, Worcestershire, cayenne, and salt and pepper. Bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer. Add the chicken back to the pan as well as any juices that have accumulated on the plate. Turn heat to low, cover and cook for 40 minutes.
A-simmering
Once chicken is cooked, shred the meat with a fork in the skillet. Toss the meat through the sauce so it’s covered. Divide the pulled meat between 6 hamburger buns. Serve alongside with some coleslaw, if desired.
8 ounces green cabbage, finely shredded | I used a bag of cole slaw mix and supplemented with pre-shredded carrots to get to about 18 ounces of cole slaw matter. Cause I was le tired.
8 ounces red cabbage, finely shredded
1 large carrot, peeled and grated
Whisk together the mayonnaise, apple cider vinegar, mustard, Sriracha, sugar and celery seed. Season with salt and pepper.
This is the only slaw picture I took…so enjoy.
In a large bowl, combine the green cabbage, red cabbage and carrots. Pour over the dressing and mix together. Let stand for 30 minutes before serving. Season with salt and pepper if needed.
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease an 8 ½ x 4 ¼ x 2 ½-inch loaf pan. Line the bottom with parchment paper. Grease and flour the pan.
Sift together the flour, baking powder, and salt into one bowl. In another bowl, whisk together the yogurt, 1 cup sugar, the eggs, lemon zest, and vanilla.
B.W., Before Whisking
Slowly whisk the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients. With a rubber spatula, fold the vegetable oil into the batter, making sure it’s all incorporated. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and bake for about 50 minutes, or until a cake tester placed in the center of the loaf comes out clean.
Meanwhile, cook the 1/3 cup lemon juice and remaining 1/3 cup sugar in a small pan until the sugar dissolves and the mixture is clear. Set aside.
When the cake is done, allow it to cool in the pan for 10 minutes.
Cake? Or Murderous Plant from Little Shop of Horrors?
Carefully place on a baking rack over a sheet pan. While the cake is still warm, pour the lemon-sugar mixture over the cake and allow it to soak in. Cool.
For the glaze, combine the confectioners’ sugar and lemon juice and pour over the cake.
Finished Cake? Or glazed murderous plant from Little Shop of Horrors?
So, you want to open a pomegranate. Great! You’ve come to the right place. I’ve stolen the steps learned the steps for how to do this from YumSugar.
…Wait. You also want to learn how to select a pomegranate? Well, ok. You probably should’ve mentioned that. You know, before I started out by saying “So, you want to open a pomegranate…” No, whatever, it’s fine. I don’t know how to do that either. So I’ll Google it.
Ok. This site that I found has some tips. It’s calledpomegranatefruit.org. I mean, it has pomegranate IN the name, so it must be good.
Look for one that is brightly colored, large and heavy and with hard smooth skin. That’s what she said. (What? That one didn’t even make…sense… You’re an idiot, self.)
Congratulations! You have selected your pomegranate. If you’re anything like me, you will wait a solid 4 days to attempt to open it. You will contemplate throwing it away. But then you will remember you have a food blog and this would be fascinating scintillating unbelievable kind of interesting for a post and you could’ve spent as much as $5 on it, which you would verify but you cannot find your receipt.
Well, the time has come! It’s time to open your pomegranate. Remove it from the produce bag. Hmm. It’s seeping a little bit of juice. That probably isn’t supposed to happen. But no matter, remember you have a food blog and you’ve paid maybe $30 of American money for this damn thing. This is for the greater good. (The greater good.)
The first step is to cut off the blossom and stem ends. I’ll use my powers of deduction to figure out which is which. I mean, I have TWO liberal arts degrees from a good college, so this should be easy!
Then, score the skin. YumSugar’s picture has 6 score lines. So 6 score lines I shall do! Be careful not to puncture the seeds by going too deep (that’s what she said, which actually made sense this time.)
Next, submerge the pomegranate in a bowl of warm water and gently crack along the score lines. Wow, that water looks a bit cloudy. That’s kind of gross looking.
Tease the seeds away from the membrane (ew) and the flesh (ew) underwater. The damaged seeds will float to the top, though none seem to be doing it for me. And bits of the membrane (ew) and flesh (ew) will too. But wow, that looks really cloudy. I mean, disgustingly cloudy. But we must soldier on! Remove the bits of membrane (ew) and flesh (ew) and any dead seeds with a skimmer, slotted spoon or a sieve.
Remove any remaining damaged seeds, which in the case of the pomegranate that I selected, was almost all of them. Dry your good seeds on a paper towel before you eat.
Example of good seed versus bad seed is in my hand in the photo below. The good seed is on the left: clear, firm, and bright. The bad seed is on the right: cloudy, dull, and wrinkly. As you can see, the hand that is holding it is in dire need of lotion. Much, much lotion.
You can do so many things with pomegranate seeds. Like, you know. Eat them. And other things! I put mine in some yogurt. That was kind of a fun little adventure. But to be quite honest with you, I think that all of my work on my pomegranate yielded me about a half a cup them gorgeous, jewel-like seeds.
So ask yourself yourself, gentle reader, is all it worth it? Perhaps you should find yourself a less commitment intensive fruit. Like an apple. Or an orange. Or a cheeseburger. Cause fuck your new years resolution. It’s been a week. Health is so last year.
my fake food blog 