Tag Archives: Full House

A Treatise: How to Make the Perfect Cheese Plate

A comprehensive guide to making the perfect cheese plate.

Step one: Buy cheese.
This should seem obvious, as this is a lesson on cheese plate-makery. But some of you aren’t that bright.
No, no nooooo, not YOU. You’re GREAT. Have you done something different with your hair?! It looks so shiny.
Other “real” sources of food/entertaining media are going to give you some practical advice for how to tackle this subject. Go for different flavors, textures, types of cheese (cow/goat/other) (what the shit is the other?) (oh god, I hope it isn’t pig).
But I’m going to tell you a few things they’re not going to tell you.
A) Buy what you like. There ain’t no shame in simplicity. So get something that you crave. Need to work on the cheap? Kraft singles cut into quarters, Cracker Barrel block of extra sharp cheddar, Easy Cheese. Serve with Chicken in a Biskit crackers and bologna. Mic drop.
B) This is probably a really controversial move in the world fromage but I’m going to say it: test a new cheese on your plate.
I KNOW. This is basically the wildest idea since sliced cheese.
You’ll never know if you like it til you try something new. Now, this is risky. I once bought a cheese that sounded delicious in theory and tasted like cigarette butts, so I threw that shit out. Which was frustrating because it was a waste of money. But, now I know: Cigarette Butt Goat’s Cheese is not for me. I should’ve probably looked at the name before I bought it…
This is where it’s great to find samples wherever you can: at the local Farmer’s Market, your gro sto, wherever. At my local Kroger, there is a Murray’s Cheese Bar outpost and they have bins of cheeses for $5 and under. It’s a relatively inexpensive way to try new cheeses. You know, if you live in Richmond by the Carytown Kroger. #specific #rva
Step two: Pair that cheese with some stuff.
Eloquently said, Novak.
Bring some other players to the key party cheese plate. This is a way to bring some other textures, flavors, some more salt, some more sweet to the table. Olives are always a welcome sight on my cheese plate because their brininess typically hits my palate in a different way than the cheeses do. Throw in some meats, some grainy mustard, some tart jam and you’ve got yourself a stew going.
Cheese, please.

Cheese, please.

Step Three: Let your cheese sit on the counter for an hour before you serve.
This is really the only rule I live by.
Not, like, in my life.
I live by PLENTY of rules. Like, traffic rules. And a lot of social conventions. But this is my one hard and fast cheese plate rule. I really should’ve been more specific. I’ll add “be more specific” to the ole rule book.
When you pull cheese from the fridge, it has a completely different texture and taste than when it sits on the counter for an hour or so. This is one of those things that I heard and was like, “well, that is utter rubbish.”
And then I tried it and was like, “well, clearly I am utter rubbish.” The cheese is genuinely so much better after the chill has come off. You get all the nuances.
So there you have it. Three easy steps to make the perfect cheese plate. Which was always perfect because it was made by you. (Cue the Full House-style audience reaction: awwwwwwww).
Make yourself happy. Eat some cheese.
That’s a rule to live by if ever I’ve heard one.
Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Disappointment, Thy Name is Oikos: Super Bowl Blah

Growing up as a small child (yes, at one time this six-foot-tall lady was a small child) (and I suppose everyone grows up as a small child) (can you use this many parentheses this close together?) (and now punctuation?)

Ahem.

Growing up as a small child, I loved a television show with all of my heart. You may have heard of it. It was the smash hit show called Full House.

Of course, as a small child, I called it the wrong thing. I called it ‘The Little Girl Show.’

I know, I know.

Cut It Out

Cut It Out

I’m sorry, did I say that I LOVED Full House? I mean, I still currently love it.

The bond between Danny, Uncle Jesse and Joey (he is NOT Uncle Joey, you IDIOTS) is undeniable. And the sacrifices that Jesse and Joey made in their lives to help raise those girls after Pamela died…

I know I sound silly. But I love that show, as do many others, and tons of other shows from our childhood. Perfect Strangers. Family Matters. Growing Pains. Bad though they may be, they still hold a place in our hearts. (Also, Full House isn’t bad.)

You have to believe that I was trepidatious when I heard that Dannon’s Oikos was going to reunite the men of Full House for a Super Bowl spot this year. I’ve loved John Stamos from afar for so long, but the previous Oikos spots have been, well, witless.

So, when Oikos pre-released their SuperBowl spot and I watched it and I was confused. Here it is for you.

I had so many thoughts.

1)   You’re a yogurt company. Why are you pre-releasing your Super Bowl spot? Also, you did a teaser, too. And a website. I hope to God you have the full cast reuniting for the actual spot that airs. Because if this is it? Yikes.

2)   Also, the best part of the SuperBowl is the commercials. Why prematurely ejaculate all of your creativity a week before the big night? But, I digress.

3)   Oh, Oikos. Are you trying to be the sexy Greek yogurt? Is that why you have John Stamos in your spots? The Greek yogurt you don’t feel naughty about after a night in the sack? I ask this because that is a steamy kiss and…I’m sorry, was she about to….lick your pants, sir? LICK THE YOGURT OFF OF YOUR PANTS, SIR? WHAT ARE WE INSINUATING WITHOUT ANY SUBTLETY AT ALL????

4)   The rest of the spot? I dunno. I think it was underwhelming. These dudes have been best friends for literally decades and that’s the best you got? And if you’re going for an in-joke from a TV show, go for it. Get B. Saget in the Danny Tanner uniform and have him cleaning a vacuum with a dust buster. Get Joey with Mr. Woodchuck. Gimme a Kimmy Gibbler on a unicycle. But this was halfway and did not play on my nostalgia so much as upset it.

What do I know, though? Maybe I don’t know anything about advertising. (I do, though.) Or about Full House. (I DO though.) I mean, I only cried when the series finale was aired on May 23, 1995.

….and I cried again when I watched in on TVLand like a month ago.

I suppose I’m saying one’s nostalgia has to be protected. A generation’s collective memories cherished and preserved. And when they are trotted out to sell a product (as I know they will be), let them be treated lovingly.

And not with a spraybottle and a cum joke.

All in the name of yogurt.

UPDATE!!

Now, THIS is how you do Full House. Thank you, Jimmy.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
curiouser & curiouser

a collection of the delicious & delightful

Motherhood - WHAT?!

Making it through motherhoodhood with the grace of a camel on ice skates

costablancamama

A Spanish Adventure - raising kids and giving birth in Spain

PornBurger

Burger Perverts Welcome

NC | NY

bringing a little bit of the south to the city

Erin Lesica

Real Food. Fake Blog.

The Crafty Cook Nook

Preserving Food, Stories, and Place

Justin Timberlake Does Things

Real Food. Fake Blog.

Feed Me Phoebe

{ health, hedonism & all the delicious things in between }

pancussion

Real Food. Fake Blog.

the-frenemy.com

Real Food. Fake Blog.

THE KIDS ARE RELATIVELY OKAY

Real Food. Fake Blog.

Curious And Curiouser

I Find the World Curious

POPSUGAR Living

Real Food. Fake Blog.

This American Wife

Real Food. Fake Blog.

Eat, Live, Run

Real Food. Fake Blog.

So Delushious !

personal random ramblings from a girl who loves bacon and can't be fat.

Seasoned to Taste

I'm just a girl with an appetite.

Matt on Not-WordPress

Stuff and things.