Joey | my fake food blog

Thanksgiving 2016: I’m Unprepared!

If there’s one thing I can say about myself, it’s that I’m consistent. I have consistently broken my promise to write on this blog consistently. I will try to be better.

It’s almost Thanksgiving, which has become my favorite holiday as of late.

Christmas? It used to be cool. But now, it’s just a lot of build up for a whole lot of nothing. Like when I lost my virginity.

HEYO!

Anyways. Thanksgiving is 4 days away. Even with my proclivity for procrastination, I am normally flipping through Bon Appetit and browsing Food52 for inspiration. But this year, I have not been.

This year has been a bit weird. Between some pretty heavy family dramz and the fact I’m on production right now in Salt Lake City, I’ve planned almost nothing. In fact, I only decided to go home to Jacksonville a few days ago.

Which means, I need to cook.

So, here we are. Real life Top Chef Challenge. Put together a Thanksgiving Dinner in 45 minutes of meal planning/grocery list writing. Dad will shop for ingredients at the best grocery store in the world, Publix. I will fly in on Wednesday to prep and the big day is on Thursday.

Game on.

Here’s what I’m doing.

Rosemary and Citrus Turkey For a Crowd from NYTimes Cooking
- I made this turkey last year and it was a real crowd pleaser. And by crowd, I mean: me, my mother and father.
Cornbread and Sausage Stuffing from Martha Stewart
- This has been my go-to stuffing recipe for the past few years. It smells and tastes like being home for the holidays. And unlike being home for the holidays, this stuffing will not ask you why you’re not married yet or if you are a lesbian. (‘I have a busy job’ and ‘no, but like, a little bit in college.’)
Best Ever Green Bean Casserole from Alton Brown via Food Network
- Lovers of my prose will know that I have been searching for the right green bean recipe for Thanksgiving for a few years. Previous green bean casseroles have been too fancy. Regular green beans are too plain for Thanksgiving. Alton Brown has never let me down, so let’s audition this one.
Classic Mashed Potatoes from NYTimes Cooking
- Potatoes? Good. Milk? Good. Butter? GOOOOOOOD.
Cranberry Sauce from Alton Brown
- Cranberries? Good. Sauce? Good. Ridges made by molding cranberry sauce in your own can? GOOOOOOOD.

I’ll get a little help from Sis Schubert’s rolls and some sort of frozen pie. A frozen pie is not my preference, but there are only so many hours in a day.

Bring on the Thanksgiving pants!

You are my Everest.–via Tumblr

Disappointment, Thy Name is Oikos: Super Bowl Blah

Growing up as a small child (yes, at one time this six-foot-tall lady was a small child) (and I suppose everyone grows up as a small child) (can you use this many parentheses this close together?) (and now punctuation?)

Ahem.

Growing up as a small child, I loved a television show with all of my heart. You may have heard of it. It was the smash hit show called Full House.

Of course, as a small child, I called it the wrong thing. I called it ‘The Little Girl Show.’

I know, I know.

Cut It Out

I’m sorry, did I say that I LOVED Full House? I mean, I still currently love it.

The bond between Danny, Uncle Jesse and Joey (he is NOT Uncle Joey, you IDIOTS) is undeniable. And the sacrifices that Jesse and Joey made in their lives to help raise those girls after Pamela died…

I know I sound silly. But I love that show, as do many others, and tons of other shows from our childhood. Perfect Strangers. Family Matters. Growing Pains. Bad though they may be, they still hold a place in our hearts. (Also, Full House isn’t bad.)

You have to believe that I was trepidatious when I heard that Dannon’s Oikos was going to reunite the men of Full House for a Super Bowl spot this year. I’ve loved John Stamos from afar for so long, but the previous Oikos spots have been, well, witless.

So, when Oikos pre-released their SuperBowl spot and I watched it and I was confused. Here it is for you.

I had so many thoughts.

1) You’re a yogurt company. Why are you pre-releasing your Super Bowl spot? Also, you did a teaser, too. And a website. I hope to God you have the full cast reuniting for the actual spot that airs. Because if this is it? Yikes.

2) Also, the best part of the SuperBowl is the commercials. Why prematurely ejaculate all of your creativity a week before the big night? But, I digress.

3) Oh, Oikos. Are you trying to be the sexy Greek yogurt? Is that why you have John Stamos in your spots? The Greek yogurt you don’t feel naughty about after a night in the sack? I ask this because that is a steamy kiss and…I’m sorry, was she about to….lick your pants, sir? LICK THE YOGURT OFF OF YOUR PANTS, SIR? WHAT ARE WE INSINUATING WITHOUT ANY SUBTLETY AT ALL????

4) The rest of the spot? I dunno. I think it was underwhelming. These dudes have been best friends for literally decades and that’s the best you got? And if you’re going for an in-joke from a TV show, go for it. Get B. Saget in the Danny Tanner uniform and have him cleaning a vacuum with a dust buster. Get Joey with Mr. Woodchuck. Gimme a Kimmy Gibbler on a unicycle. But this was halfway and did not play on my nostalgia so much as upset it.

What do I know, though? Maybe I don’t know anything about advertising. (I do, though.) Or about Full House. (I DO though.) I mean, I only cried when the series finale was aired on May 23, 1995.

….and I cried again when I watched in on TVLand like a month ago.

I suppose I’m saying one’s nostalgia has to be protected. A generation’s collective memories cherished and preserved. And when they are trotted out to sell a product (as I know they will be), let them be treated lovingly.

And not with a spraybottle and a cum joke.

All in the name of yogurt.

UPDATE!!

Now, THIS is how you do Full House. Thank you, Jimmy.

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Tag Archives: Joey

Thanksgiving 2016: I’m Unprepared!

Disappointment, Thy Name is Oikos: Super Bowl Blah