Tag Archives: family

Food-vertisment: Sargento Commercials make me Swiss-cidal

Let’s play Specific Desert Island.

You’re trapped on a desert island. You have all sorts of islandy things to eat: pineapples, warthogs, fishes, rum. But you get to bring a lifetime supply of any one item with you. What is it?

There is no wrong or right answer here, people.

Except my answer is the right answer and every other answer is the wrong answer.

Don’t you see? It’s cheese. You won’t find cheese in the wild. You won’t find cheese in the sea. You can’t make cheese from a pig. And if you can and one of you has tried it, please don’t tell me.

Cheese. Cheese is the answer. Cheeses is the reason for the season. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that I have 8 types of cheese in my fridge right now. How many types can I eat at once? I don’t know. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

I was watching the best episode of Chopped ever yesterday. They had an Amateur’s Brawl and it’s an absolute delight. Drew Magary of Deadspin finally got his chance to compete after his application for the show went viral a few years back.

This episode of Chopped was brought to us by the good people of Sargento. They’re Real Cheese People. #RealCheesePeople

Charles what now?

I’m including a video that I shot from my TV. Apologies for the terrible quality.

 

Did no one at the cheese company realize that CHEESE is one letter off from CHEESY? Apparently the writer of this spot set out to write the cheesiest muenster-fucking script there ever was. I take some serious issue with it.

You’re cheese people? Like, a person made of cheese…? You want a piece of real and a slice of legit? If you’re such a real cheese person, why don’t you put your legit where your mouth is and put a piece of cheese in your mouth.

A slice of legit. What does that even mean? Seriously. I make up phrases all the time. (I take you back 2 paragraphs to “muenster-fucking.”) But a “slice of legit.” That’s puffery.

Now, don’t think I don’t understand what they’re going for here. They want us to REALLY understand that their cheese is real cheese. They’re trying to distinctly differentiate themselves from Kraft singles, which is “processed cheese food.” This is actual cheese. Made from actual milk. For real cheese people.

And real cheese people are authentic. And legit.

Like these two guys.

#RealCheesePeople

#RealCheesePeople

These two guys who look like they were just told their wives have been killed by wolves in the barn behind them and then forced at gunpoint to hold up this picture of distant relatives for a TV shoot.

Seriously. These guys look like they HATE cheese. And barns. And definitely wolves. They certainly don’t get off on the creamy mouthfeel of a piece of camembert. Or the oniony bite of a piece of cotswold. These are not people who have bought cheese for their best friend as a birthday present. (Yes, I have done that. What of it?)

But these guys dweebs. These dweebs live their life shredding authenticity wherever they go. They’re so mother-feta legit.

Listen, I could get all arrogant about who wrote this piece of real. (Get it?) But…who approved it?

Seriously. Who thought that this made anyone want to buy cheese?

This commercial is a handjob for the Sargento family. And I think that we can all tell by their faces that they’re not having a very good time.

But hey. If there’s one thing we can say about them, is that they’re real cheese people.

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Ooh, heaven is a place on earth: Publix

I think it’s safe to say that there are a few things people are willing to come to blows over in this world: college football (SEC fans will fight you), family drama (your dad’s new girlfriend who is two years younger than you will fight you), and grocery store supremacy (I will fight you).

Now, I am perfectly willing to let each person have his or her own opinion. I just happen to know that my opinion is the correct opinion.

You can keep your Harris Teeters, your Trader Joe’s and even your Wegmans. The greatest grocery store on the face of the planet is Publix.

And it’s coming to Winston-Salem.

Publix!!!

Publix!!!

It’s not to say that those aren’t good grocery stores. Frankly, Wegmans isn’t good. It’s amazing.

But Publix far surpasses all of them. (Hell, Buzzfeed agrees.) But let me explain, if you will. Which you will, because this is my blog and I’ll cry if I want to.

Publix is a southern grocery store chain that is FINALLY expanding to North Carolina in 2014 and to Winston-Salem in 2015. I’ll pretend I’m unbiased when I go into the details but I’m not, so let’s not kid ourselves.

Publix a beautiful, clean grocery store. Is it weird to call a grocery store beautiful? Yes. If it was a normal grocery store. But Publix is a way of life. Publix is where shopping is a pleasure. And it is. (No seriously, it IS a pleasure and that line is their tagline.) You go in, you get a cup of complimentary coffee, you walk through the lovely produce and the easy to understand aisles. Sometimes when my dad is shopping there, he sends me pictures of the lovely produce. And it soothes me.

Their staff is incredibly friendly. One of my best friends, Lauren worked there all throughout high school. And Lauren is really nice. She’s one of my best friends, y’all. So you can trust me. Friendly staff. CHECK.

They know how to brand themselves. The packaging on their store brand is simple and clean. I’m a label whore and I would exclusively buy their store brand.  Their Thanksgiving commercial is still one of my favorite commercial of all times. And since it is now officially pre-Thanksgiving (IT IS NOT CHRISTMAS YET, PEOPLE), we can watch said commercial.

True story: Publix actually sold a version of the salt and pepper shakers from the commercials and they sold out immediately. They were impossible to find. They made another set at Christmas where the characters were dressed up as Santa and Mrs. Claus. This is how much people love Publix.

In conclusion, Publix, we await your imminent arrival. With your Publix subs. And your chicken fingers. Your cookies. Your complimentary coffee. Your amazing store brand. Your price + value + service. Your pleasurable shopping.

There’s nothing more I want from you. Except to be here way the fuck sooner.

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