Tag Archives: Epic Failure

Blondies, Part Deux: Failure is Best Served Hot. Again. Twice.

Hey, remember that time that I wrote a blog post two weeks ago and it had a real “to be continued” vibe and then I didn’t write another post like ever!??!

Did you kind of feel like that TV show you’d sort of been watching had gotten cancelled and nobody bothered to tell you?

NOPE.  Just another case of Fake Food Blog. My Real Job got busy. So my Fake Fun had to take a back seat. But fear not, I have been eating and photographing. The bloggery will catch up. 

So, picking up where we left off a mere 2 weeks ago. Walker Texas Ranger was running towards the bus full of nuns that was hurtling towards the edge of a cliff. I had made really shitty blondies for work. And it was 10:40 pm. And I was pissed. Because my first batch of blondies came out looking like it should have been an obstacle in Olmec’s Temple. 

So, I decided I would make a second batch. And I would do everything right! And it would be delicious!

And as you expected, dear reader. None of that happened. Cause these sons of bitches didn’t turn out either.

I followed a different recipe this time. A Food Network recipe. No time to fuck around making brown butter. This is basic blondie time. Defense. Block and tackle. Other football words. Helmets. Lines. Mascots. 

I buttered and floured the pan. Which seemed weird. Doesn’t that seem like it’s going to make a gooey mess? NAH. The recipe says to do it! Trust in the recipe BLINDLY. THE RECIPE WILL NEVER FAIL YOU. (Let me be clear, by this point I was pretty drunk with exhaustion.)

I melted the butter! I combined it with the sugar! I cooled it to room temperature! I beat in the eggs! I made the batter! I added the chocolate chips! I put it in the pan!

I took a nap while I baked it! And then again while it cooled!

And then, after doing the whole toothpick thing and letting the pan cool, I inverted it to find this:

Blondies. UGH.

Once again. I had blondie soup. Cooked on the top. Soup on the inside. What kind of fool am I.

I even popped them back in the oven for another 10 minutes. But same deal. Just slightly more done on the edges. Just as soupy inside.

I conferred with Alison, my friend at work who happens to be a phenom pastry chef, and she thinks the problem is my terrible oven. Which is only a convection oven. I should be turning the heat down and cooking for longer, or something like that. Sheesh.

One day, I hope to open a wildly unpopular bakery where we make these soup blondies. It’s gonna be TERRIBLE. 

Blondies, from FoodNetwork.com

  • ¾ cup unsalted butter (1-1/2 sticks), plus more for the preparing the pan
  • 1 ½ cups light brown sugar
  • 2 large eggs, beaten
  • ¾ teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 2 ¼ cups all-purpose flour, plus more for preparing the pan
  • 1 ½ teaspoons baking powder
  • ¼ teaspoon fine salt
  • About ½ cup chocolate, butterscotch or white chocolate chips (optional) | It’s optional but I did it anyway 

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Butter and flour 9 x 13-inch baking pan 

In a small sauce pan melt the butter. Put the light brown sugar in a large bowl, add the butter, and stir to combine. Cool to room temperature. Beat in the eggs and vanilla.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Add the flour mixture into the wet ingredients, mixing just until a smooth batter is formed. If using the chips, stir them into the batter.

Transfer the batter to the prepared pan. Bake until lightly browned and toothpick inserted in the center come out clean, about 20 minutes.

 Cool the blondies in the pan slightly before inverting them onto a cooling rack. Cool completely. Cut into squares and serve.

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Undeniable Failure: Brown Butter Blondies for Work Bake Sale

If y’all saw the Google searches I do while I cook, you’d be embarrassed.

Which is exactly why I’m sharing it here. Sometimes, people need to confess to their ridiculosity.

Here’s the background. My friend Alison asked me to bake for our office’s United Way bake sale tomorrow. She was awesome. “…Don’t you think the readers of your blog would love to read about a delicious blondie recipe??”

The girl has skills. So, I signed up.

But there’s something I forgot to mention: Alison is a trained pastry chef.

Yeah. Remember, this is a FAKE food blog. Intimidated. This blog is mostly jokes about Snoop Dogg and a LOT of capital letters so that people who know me IRL know when I’m saying something louder or with more EMPHASIS. 

Luckily, in addition to being a trained pastry chef, she’s a really nice and awesome chick. So, I didn’t feel bad that my potentially embarrassing blondies were going to be sitting next to the chocolate chip cookies that were made by the hands of someone who can legit wear chef whites. (Just to paint the picture, this is what I was wearing as I baked: jeans and a paint splattered t-shirt from a 1981 production of Annie Get Your Gun. That was 3 years before I was born.)

Alison, in her infinite niceness, even found me a recipe. Which was awesome because I’ve had a couple busy weeks at work. I shamelessly stole this recipe from another blog. But I will not lie to you folks. It did not go well. 

I started making the brown butter blondies. I’ve always loved brown butter. Only catch? I’ve never made it before. Like every recipe I make before an event. I’m nothing if not predictable. 

So, I put the 21 tablespoons of butter on the stove on low heat.

Let me say that again. I put the 21 TABLESPOONS OF BUTTER on the stove on low heat. #nothingcankillpauladeen #notevendiabetesyall

The recipe says it’ll take about 6 minutes for the butter to brown.  And I’m pretty sure it took me an hour to brown the butter. Which is like, a lot more than 6 minutes. That was my first sign that this wasn’t going my way. 

Here’s where I start the embarrassing googling:

  • How to brown butter (I should make sure I’m doing it right)
  • What does brown butter look like (I should make sure I’m not missing the signs)
  • What are the lyrics to Trick Daddy’s “I’m a Thug” (I should make sure I know these)

And then all of a sudden, BOOM. Brown butter. That nutty aroma the recipes kept talking about? I actually smelled that. WITH MY NOSE.

The rest of the recipe is fairly simple. You know. Except for the fact that I COMPLETELY failed at the recipe. No joke. When I tested it with a toothpick, it came out clean. But the tops were crispy and the insides were goo. Let me be clear. This was goo that tasted good. But I can’t serve it. Not with a pastry chef around. It’s a bake sale. Not a goo sale. Seriously, look at it.    


I saved the only square I could actually cut for Alison (per her request!), pitched the rest, and started another recipe at 10:40. Part 2 of this epic story to come tomorrow! 

Brown Butter Blondies, Recipe from The Red Spoon 

  • 3 cups all purpose flour

  • 2 teaspoons baking powder

  • 1 teaspoon salt

  • 21 tablespoons (2 sticks + 6 tablespoons) unsalted butter

  • 2 cups firmly packed light brown sugar

  • 1 cup granulated sugar

  • 4 large eggs

  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract

  • 2 tablespoon fresh lemon juice

Preheat oven to 325 degrees.  Butter a 9 x 13-inch pan. Line with parchment, letting the edges overhang making a parchment sling. Butter parchment paper lining and set aside.

In a large bowl add flour, baking powder and salt and mix to combine. 

In a small saute or sauce pan, over medium-low heat, cook the butter until light brown and gives off a nutty aroma, about 6 minutes.  Remove pan from the heat, and let cool.

In a second bowl, combine brown sugar, granulated sugar and cooled butter.  Stir to combine with a wooden spoon.  Add eggs, vanilla, and lemon juice and stir until smooth.  Add dry ingredients in 2 batches and stir until just incorporated. 

Spread batter evenly into prepared baking dish.  Bake for about 35-45 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out either clean or with crumbs, but not batter.  If using parchment paper, gently lift blondies out of baking dish or pan and let cool on a wire rack. 

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